Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

I use selective hearing; my stepfather just turns his hearing aid off.
 
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

"A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied that there were six.

The judge said, "Then I'll give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the sentence, the woman's husband spoke up and asked if he could say something.

"Very well," said the judge. "What is it?"


"She took a can of peas too."
 
I know the longer I am married the worse my hearing gets. I think it has something to do with the high pitch tones that women put out or some thing like that.:grin:
 
Daddubo said:
I know the longer I am married the worse my hearing gets. I think it has something to do with the high pitch tones that women put out or some thing like that.:grin:
Click to expand...

White noise...
 
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
 
Subject: tiger shark spotted off of South Florida beaches.





















































Tigershark.jpg
 
> Two Radical Arab Terrorists
>
> boarded a flight out of London ..
>
> One took a window seat
>
> and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
>
> Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
> After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off,
>
> wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat
> said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
> 'Don't get up,' said the Marine,
>
> 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
>
> As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up
>
> the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned,
>
>
> the other Arab said,
>
> 'That looks good, I'd really like one, to.'
>
> Again, the Marine went to fetch it.
>
>
> While he was gone the other Arab picked up
>
>
>
> the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned,
>
>
>
> they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
>
> As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes &
>
>
>
> knew immediately what had happened.
>
>
>
> He leaned over & asked his Arab neighbors,
>
>
>
> 'Why does it have to be this way?'
>
> 'How long must this go on?
>
>
>
> This fighting between our nations?
>
>
>
> This hatred?
> This animosity?
>
>
>
> This spitting in shoes
>
>
> and pissing in cokes?'
>
>
> THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES
 
The Fix

There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it!
_____

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":


There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered – Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes...

Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

THE JOKE IS IN WASHINGTON:smt043












​
 
American Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
 
Daddubo said:
The Fix

There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it!
_____

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":


There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered – Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes...

Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

THE JOKE IS IN WASHINGTON:smt043

​
Click to expand...


I like, but 40,000,000 x's 1,000,000 equals 40,000,000,000,000 and if my aught times aught ciphering is correct, that is 40 trillion dollars
 
Pseudomind said:
I like, but 40,000,000 x's 1,000,000 equals 40,000,000,000,000 and if my aught times aught ciphering is correct, that is 40 trillion dollars
Click to expand...


Chump Change! Just print more money like always!:smt043
 
Obama wouldn't do it any way , it woundn't be fair to the people that don't have jobs or houses or have license to drive because they got them taken away for being drunk or crack:lol:
 
SOUTH ALABAMA DUCK HUNTING

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Alabama..
He shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer's
field on the other side of a fence.


As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field,
and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys
in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll
sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know
how we settle disputes in here. We settle small disagreements
like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred on my land,
first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and
so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to
abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked
up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel
toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his
knees. His second kick to the midriff then made the lawyer loose
his early morning breakfast. The lawyer was on all fours when the
farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh
cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to
his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
"Okay, Now it's my turn."

[I love this part....]

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can
have the duck."
 
My club just had a chili cook-off, and it reminded me of this story that has probably already been passed around, but is still priceless. Enjoy!

Read this slowly….it is too funny!



A little long but hilarious:)



If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
slowly.


If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you
know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of p! eppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
all of the beer

.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
Unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding consi! derable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seem! s inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM' S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it, poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
 
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers, they panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2 or $3 every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day'?

Jose says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Carlos sign reads, "HAVE NO WORK, A WIFE AND THREE CHILDREN TO SUPPORT".

Jose says, ' No wonder you only get $2 or $3'.

Carlos says, 'So what does your sign say'?

Jose then shows Carlos his sign....
It reads, ' I ONLY NEED ANOTHER $10 TO MOVE BACK TO MEXICO !"


 
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