Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A man is golfing with his wife. They are on the 5th hole, a long par five, when he hits his drive way left and in front of large red barn. After a little search, he finds his ball but can't see the green because of the barn. Getting a bright idea, he opens the barn doors at both ends and decides to play through. With a mighty swing the ball flies into the barn, ricochets back off a metal wash bin striking his wife in the head and killing her instantly.

It was many months before the man returned to the course. This day he was playing with friends and on the 5th hole he again hooked the ball left behind the large barn. Upon finding the ball one of his playing partners yelled, "Here, I've got an idea!" and began opening the barn doors. The man immediately yelled, "NO! STOP!" His partner, "Oh I'm sorry...." The golfer, "Yeah I tried that last time and made 7 for double boggie."
 
An explorer visits a restaurant in cannibal country. He looks over the menu which advertises boiled missionary for $4.99, fried big game hunter for $6.75, and fillet of politician for $79.99. The explorer advises the waiter that he would like to speak to the manager, who appeared a few minutes later, and was confronted with the question of why the politician is so expensive. The manager replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one of those things?"
 
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta , and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. "

Bubba says to his pal, " Billy Bob , look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain , sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama ."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama , ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners"
 
two pilots are flying a passenger plane cross country,they're exhausted from two many hours in the cockpit,while one pilot reaches across the console for his coffee,he accidently turns on the cockpit to cabin intercom and now the whole plane hears every word in the cockpit.."boy i'm beat, can't wait to get this bird on the ground,soon as i get home i'm gonna hit the rack and sleep though tomorrow" the one pilot say's... to that the other pilot responds"not me, first thing i'm gonna do is hit the pub , knock down a few martinis, and then ,i'm gonna sit on a real size toilet seat and take the crap of a lifetime." That's it?say's pilot number one?"nope," says the other pilot"you know that sexy redhedded stewardess we picked up in L.A.? well i'm gonna get her in the rack and ^%$# her brains out till monday!" with that the mortified red head goes running up the isle to get to the cabin and kill the intercom but on the way she trips over some old ladys leg that was in the isle, the sweet old lady consoles the fallen redhead and says to her,"slow down honey, don't be in such a rush, he has to land the plane , get a few drinks and take a crap first!"
 
MonacoMike said:
There is a new drug being released by Phizer pending FDA approval..

It is designed specifically for depressed lesbians..

It is call Tridixagain.
Click to expand...

I'm sure my ex will be in this regimen at some point
 
While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off.

A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.

The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that lamp for. . ."

"OK, alright" the guy responds.

"Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii. I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii."

This irritates the genie.

He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical."

"Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . ."

"Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women."

The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four? "
 
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.
 
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching
his wife, who was looking at herself in the
mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her
birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still
looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made
her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her
to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put
her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster,
everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme
park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt
upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where
he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her *favorite *candy, M&M's. What a fabulous
adventure!*
*
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted.*
*
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being
eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed.
*
'I meant my dress size you idiot!!!!'
**_
The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is gonna get it wrong._*
 
The Reunion Group
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before!
laugh.gif
 
The politician went to go out to the local reservation and to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.

"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!".

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.

"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya..."
 
After months of careful research, Bank of America have developed MALE & FEMALE Procedures for the proper usage of their Bank drive through ATM Machines, which other banks are thinking about implementing.

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
 
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens the door, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.

The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
 
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
 
Pretty well pulled that stunt on a guy for a joke once. He always tried to find a quiet phone, back in land line days, to call his girl, we got a girl that worked with us to help, we quietly approached, one of the guy turned on a boom box loud, several guys talked and the girl cooed close to the phone, "honey, will you buy me another drink".
 
A sales manager got a complaint that his salesmen were returning from lunch drunk & stinking of gin. He told his people to switch to vodka martinis so they wouldn't stink of booze.

After a week he told his people to switch back to the gin martinis. He said he would rather have customers think his people were drunks instead of stupid.
 
A guy was downtown earlier today and saw a few officers talking to a midget. i guess someone pick pocketed the little guy. He heard one officer tell the other officer "i can't believe someone would stoop that low"
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'?

Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
 
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