I yelled at a guest - and what I am doing about it

[iBoat Skipper Doug]

I made a mistake and yelled at a onboard guest.


I’m sharing what happened, and how I’m trying to learn from what happened so I can be a better skipper.


I welcome your critical or supportive review.


The Background:


We had guests onboard our 24 foot cuddy cabin boat, a Mom, Dad, and two children, the youngest a toddler. They also own a boat, a old, small, aluminum fishing boat with outboard, but I don’t judge, a boats a boat.


It had already been a long, hot boating day, with much time spent in the sun at a shallow, sandy bottomed, popular anchorage. I was getting tired.


My frustration level became elevated due to guest actions. For example, the guest applied aloe sunburn spray inside my cabin, getting it all over my seats. They just saw me go onto my swim platform to do that to myself. Then the mother reached into her oversized purse, pulled out a box of blueberries, which her children were grabbing and dropping onto my seats and carpet. My request to put away the blueberries until they were off the boat so I do not get stains resulted in the mother rolling her eyes. Another example, while on plane I turned around to see the toddler without a life jacket. I asked what happened to the life jacket? The mother said her child was hot so she took it off. After having the guests not listen to me all day, I decide the safest thing to do was this; I came off plane, went to neutral and said I was sorry but state law requires I not make way unless children under 12 years old are wearing a life jacket. Tensions were rising.


The Event:


We needed to get fuel as we passed a station. Its a poor setup with the dock on the river. The easy, upstream side of the fuel dock was taken, but the two of us had docked there many times. We got fenders and lines ready on the starboard side. My Admiral went on the bow to lasso a dock cleat.


Just the two of us have done this downstream docking with success many times. What we do is she gets the bow line attached to a dock cleat. Next, I reverse the boat with the drive turned toward the dock which pulls the stern tight to the dock, put boat in neutral, then quickly get the stern line on the dock cleat. Its that simple.


This day, with the guests onboard, as my Admiral was on the bow securing the bow line to a dock cleat, the Dad stood up, went to the starboard aft corner and stood by the stern line and cleat. I thought to myself, I have a second helper, a experienced boater. How awesome.


With the bow line attached to the dock cleat, and the boats stern being pulled way from the dock by the wind and current, I turned the wheel to full starboard and reversed the engine, just like I had planned. This pulled the stern back to the dock, just like always.


The guests back was to me. His hands went up and in front of him. Certainly he’s putting the stern line on the dock cleat. But wait, the stern is floating back away from the dock. Oh,... he must have missed getting the line onto the dock cleat. No worries, I repeat the process of reversing, pulling the boats stern snugly against the dock. His hands go up, just like last time. But again, the stern starts floating way from the dock.


After the third attempt, the guest turns slightly toward me. Now I can see his hands are not trying to get the line on the dock cleat. Shoot, he doesn’t even have his hands on the dock line. He has his fingers in his mouth picking out blueberry skins from his teeth! He’s blocking me from getting to the stern line and completely clueless about what is happening.


Thats when I loose it. I yell “Get the F***ing line on the F***ing dock cleat or get the F*** out of the way so I can do it!


Now knowing what he needed to do, he immediately and easily put the line on the cleat.


The Lesson:


I regretted loosing my temper as soon as the sentence was out of my mouth. I never verbalized to the guest my expectations, so the guest never acknowledged their understanding of what they needed to do.


I have apologized to the guests. It was my fault. Although there were no injuries beyond feelings, it could have been worse.


Now, my goal is to learn from my mistake. After doing some research, I think I know how.


I came across a story of a airplane disaster, the deadliest plane disaster in history. Thats where I learned about a process to improve teamwork and reduce mistakes called Crew Resource Managment or CRM.


Thats my new passion for improving my seamanship. I want to be a better skipper. A safer skipper. A skipper who does not loose his temper and yell.


Below is a video about the basic concepts of CRM and a sheet I made for myself to start my journey to becoming a better skipper through utilizing CRM.


Although the video focuses on ambulance E.M.T.s, the concepts are the same for airplane pilots, operating rooms, and yes, recreational boaters. Basically any place prone to miscommunications resulting in safety concerns.


Again, I welcome your critical or supportive review.

What are your thoughts?

Do you feel CRM could make you a better skipper?

Are you experienced in CRM?

In my below self-made beginners CRM guide, what would you change?

 

[Henry Boyd]

Personally, I would have had a safety briefing before leaving the dock. Usual topics, MOB, extinguisher locations, first aid kit locations, life jackets etc. Added to that, specific instructions that you and the crew handle lines ONLY, everybody else stays in their seats while docking. Also life jacket rules, and seating positions when underway. If we haven’t sailed with guests in the past and don’t know their actual boating skills, we don’t include them.

In your case I think you should have gone back to the dock, said good by and thanked your guests for joining you after the life jacket incident. These people are clueless as to boat safety and are a danger to themselves and don’t know it.

 

[Espos4]

I can totally see your side of the this. Some people just don’t get it. I’ve gotten some weird looks from guests simply by informing them of the location of the life jackets on board.

Some attempt to help by pushing off of a pole while docking, even after being told not to. (I need to pivot on that pole to get into the slip, thank you!)

Giving a quick info briefing before leaving the dock should be helpful, but again no guarantee that they will remember. Your assumption that the guest was going to help with the stern line could of been avoided with a command from you.....hey (guest name) I’m going to pivot once the bow line is on, I need you to secure the stern line.

 

[OllieC]

When my daughter was younger (8-14) and she'd bring friends, before we embarked, I explain to her friends that when I yell, (not if), I am not mad at you, I just need you to listen and do what I ask. The Admiral has been good at managing things as well because she doesn't want to see the boat damaged either.

...as someone who has a lot of German blood, I can relate to your reaction. I agree with Espos4, clear instructions with guests are key and sometimes difficult to do.

 

[stephens013]

I made a mistake and yelled at a onboard guest.


I’m sharing what happened, and how I’m trying to learn from what happened so I can be a better skipper.


I welcome your critical or supportive review.


The Background:


We had guests onboard our 24 foot cuddy cabin boat, a Mom, Dad, and two children, the youngest a toddler. They also own a boat, a old, small, aluminum fishing boat with outboard, but I don’t judge, a boats a boat.


It had already been a long, hot boating day, with much time spent in the sun at a shallow, sandy bottomed, popular anchorage. I was getting tired.


My frustration level became elevated due to guest actions. For example, the guest applied aloe sunburn spray inside my cabin, getting it all over my seats. They just saw me go onto my swim platform to do that to myself. Then the mother reached into her oversized purse, pulled out a box of blueberries, which her children were grabbing and dropping onto my seats and carpet. My request to put away the blueberries until they were off the boat so I do not get stains resulted in the mother rolling her eyes. Another example, while on plane I turned around to see the toddler without a life jacket. I asked what happened to the life jacket? The mother said her child was hot so she took it off. After having the guests not listen to me all day, I decide the safest thing to do was this; I came off plane, went to neutral and said I was sorry but state law requires I not make way unless children under 12 years old are wearing a life jacket. Tensions were rising.


The Event:


We needed to get fuel as we passed a station. Its a poor setup with the dock on the river. The easy, upstream side of the fuel dock was taken, but the two of us had docked there many times. We got fenders and lines ready on the starboard side. My Admiral went on the bow to lasso a dock cleat.


Just the two of us have done this downstream docking with success many times. What we do is she gets the bow line attached to a dock cleat. Next, I reverse the boat with the drive turned toward the dock which pulls the stern tight to the dock, put boat in neutral, then quickly get the stern line on the dock cleat. Its that simple.


This day, with the guests onboard, as my Admiral was on the bow securing the bow line to a dock cleat, the Dad stood up, went to the starboard aft corner and stood by the stern line and cleat. I thought to myself, I have a second helper, a experienced boater. How awesome.


With the bow line attached to the dock cleat, and the boats stern being pulled way from the dock by the wind and current, I turned the wheel to full starboard and reversed the engine, just like I had planned. This pulled the stern back to the dock, just like always.


The guests back was to me. His hands went up and in front of him. Certainly he’s putting the stern line on the dock cleat. But wait, the stern is floating back away from the dock. Oh,... he must have missed getting the line onto the dock cleat. No worries, I repeat the process of reversing, pulling the boats stern snugly against the dock. His hands go up, just like last time. But again, the stern starts floating way from the dock.


After the third attempt, the guest turns slightly toward me. Now I can see his hands are not trying to get the line on the dock cleat. Shoot, he doesn’t even have his hands on the dock line. He has his fingers in his mouth picking out blueberry skins from his teeth! He’s blocking me from getting to the stern line and completely clueless about what is happening.


Thats when I loose it. I yell “Get the F***ing line on the F***ing dock cleat or get the F*** out of the way so I can do it!


Now knowing what he needed to do, he immediately and easily put the line on the cleat.


The Lesson:


I regretted loosing my temper as soon as the sentence was out of my mouth. I never verbalized to the guest my expectations, so the guest never acknowledged their understanding of what they needed to do.


I have apologized to the guests. It was my fault. Although there were no injuries beyond feelings, it could have been worse.


Now, my goal is to learn from my mistake. After doing some research, I think I know how.


I came across a story of a airplane disaster, the deadliest plane disaster in history. Thats where I learned about a process to improve teamwork and reduce mistakes called Crew Resource Managment or CRM.


Thats my new passion for improving my seamanship. I want to be a better skipper. A safer skipper. A skipper who does not loose his temper and yell.


Below is a video about the basic concepts of CRM and a sheet I made for myself to start my journey to becoming a better skipper through utilizing CRM.


Although the video focuses on ambulance E.M.T.s, the concepts are the same for airplane pilots, operating rooms, and yes, recreational boaters. Basically any place prone to miscommunications resulting in safety concerns.


Again, I welcome your critical or supportive review.

What are your thoughts?

Do you feel CRM could make you a better skipper?

Are you experienced in CRM?

In my below self-made beginners CRM guide, what would you change?

View attachment 89144

I'm with you. Get done what needs doing and then play around.
Now the blue berry thing would have done it for me right then and there; she might have been evicted form my vessel mid river.
If anything, never expect some one to do dome thing of their own valision. Tell them clearly and to the point what you expect. I've even gone to the point of having a read back of instructions.

 

[iBoat Skipper Doug]

Thank you everyone. You have me feeling like less of a ars.

I do review a safety briefing with guests pre-departure. I don’t go into details such as no blueberries. On the opposite side of the laminated safety briefing sheet is a boat dash ID card. When we stop at restaurants or such, I leave it under the dash windshield. I have a separate, similar dash ID card I leave in my vehicle on the dash next to the launch permit, back at the ramp.

When I review the safety briefing I try to use humor, under the hope they will listen. Normally I pick a child guest and ask them if they will help me with something. Then I say “Your responsibility to let me know if I repeat myself.”

Then, the first thing I say, with the sheet in my hand is “Your responsibility to let me know if I repeat myself.” Normally the kids yell “You repeated yourself!” This normally gets everyone listening. Then I review the safety briefing, not going into VHF details but showing them where I keep this sheet with the details.

 

[Woody]

I dunno, I don't want to have to teach a complete boating operation, docking, safety, and rules of the road course every time some one new comes aboard. I also don't want to be peppered with why don't you do this and do that by some one that knows nothing about whatever it is that's going on at the time.

My guests are guests. I give them the basics, life jackets, heads, walking around, and most importantly that they aren't expected to do anything else. Docking for example will be handle by the Admiral and myself like we always do, so please stay out of the way.

I also tell them that it's possible that a situation arises and I might ask them to do or not do specific things, maybe now and maybe quickly. If so, that moment is not the time for analysis and explanations of 'why'. That specifically applies to the likes of my sister who thinks everything a male says to her is an attempt to 'boss her around'.

If my guests are boaters that 'I' know are experienced, not experienced because they say so, then things can be different...but only because I allow it.

 

[DWABoat]

Your frustration is certainly understandable. I agree yelling and cursing in front of the kids was not the best way to react to his completely dumba$$ actions. I would have been visualizing tossing both parents overboard.
I had some close friends on our boat last time we went out. The husband is a non-boater but he wanted to help. I had to patiently wait while he made a bowl of spaghetti on the cleat every time we docked. I didn’t say a word because he was trying to help. I just fixed it afterward when he wasn’t looking. I would much rather deal with non-boaters that want to help than complete a$$-hats who don’t care about staining your boat or don’t care enough to help work the lines.
No more invites for that family, I hope.

 

[douglee25]

When I have guests I give them a quick run down of my expectations...

1. Life vests are included here in this compartment. In an emergency, go grab one and put it on.
2. If you exit the boat and intend on floating in the lake, the vest goes on. Non-negotiable. Our lake is one of the deadliest and I will lose no one on my time.
3. Nothing goes in the toilet but #1 & #2... Hold the pedal down for 3-4 seconds at every flush. Courtesy flush if you have a monster deuce. Go light on the paper.
4. When we dock, you all stay seated. Don't talk. Don't yell. Don't grab lines and if something goes wrong during docking, please don't put your hands out and try to fend the boat. It's too big and you'll lose an arm or leg.
5. Most of all, have fun.

There's also an unwritten rule that if we have kids out on the boat, we have permission to discipline each other's kids if they get out of hand or do something that we don't find safe. Discipline in the sense of telling them to knock it off or correct and redirect their behavior.

Boating definitely can become high tension. It's better to do things yourself (if you can) and let others just be puppets. It avoids most issues where expectations aren't met and tempers get elevated. Doing it this way, you only have one person to get upset with and that's yourself.

 

[fwebster]

On my boat (as opposed to other boats we may be running) my wife goes to the bow and handles one bow line and the rear spring line on the same side so she isn't running around like a mad woman on a bouncing boat. I handle both stern lines. But before we even pivot the boat in front of the slip, I tell any guests aboard to sit "here" and I point at the seats I expect them to sit in and tell them: "We do this all the time and we can handle the lines and the boat so please stay seated until I turn off the engines." I never buy fuel with guests onboard because I don't want my guests to feel obligated to "chip-in".

Before they board I have a little safety meeting (Fran calls it Frank's sanity preservation meeting)......items covered:

location of personal flotation devices
location of throwable PFD's
absolutely no red wine or any flavor of Koolaid allowed
NO Cheetos allowed on the boat
I take up all sunscreen and show them a box full of non-scented/oil free sunscreen they can use in SPF 30, SPF 50; they use my sunscreen or none at all.

We try to make it a fun day for guests and keep the rules simple and basic.

 

[sbw1]

We learned years ago that some people are just clueless and unteachable. Those are the folks we invite over for diner parties in the wintertime, but never for boat rides. We invite people onto our boat who have boats and who use them and take care of them. Living on a lake means most of your friends have boats. However, many people with boats are not really "boaters". We boat with "boaters". It really simplifies life. Our rides are more fun too, and can involve running across Lake Michigan, or taking a ten hour ride from Harbor Springs back to Grand Haven. So no worries about blueberries or tampons in the head for us.

 

[Little Ducky]

I don't usually have many visitors aboard but I do feel your pain.

 

[Maggieiscrazy]

You all seem uptight about your boats. When I have guest on my boat I put a cold beer in their hands and tell them to sit back and relax. The only rule on my boat is. There are no rules!

 

[Steve S]

When I had only had my 400dDB a short time, I once had some guests onboard and went thru the safety briefing. I then asked the two men if they would be willing to help me when we returned to the dock. They said yes.
I showed them how to attach a line to the cleat. Then explained to guest number 1 the I would need him to walk towards the forward mid-cleat, toss the fenders over the rail, attach a line and then throw it to someone.
Guest 2 was to attach a stern line and toss it to someone. We walked through it and they were perfect in practice. I put the lines in the Cockpit storage locker with the other lines.

We return from the cruise, wind has shifted and picked up and I knew docking was going to be harder than normal so I am in deep Concentration after all my mates performed flawlessly in practice.

I handled the wind and get her into the slip. Then I hear some commotion. Guest number 1 has performed flawlessly EXCEPT when he went into the rope locker, he grabbed this thin, yellow clothesline type rope. My dock neighbor is telling at him to grab a thick rope and repeat his actions as he cannot tie off or pull in a 13 ton boat with the clothesline.

Guest 2 also had thrown a real rope to a dock mate flawlessly. I breathe a sigh of relief until I hear... “Tie the rope to the cleat first, I cannot pull the boat in And tie it off unless it is attached to the boat.

My dock mates have not let me live that down. It has cost me a few cocktails to them.

 

[Golfman25]

Who where the guests? Just a family you picked up off the street? I would assume you would know their general behaviors. That's really the first thing -- do these guest belong on my boat? If no, then they get to come over and sit by the fire pit in the back yard. I too am one who want to make the visit fun -- sit back, relax and ask if any questions. I'll do all the work. I just ask when departing or arriving to the dock that they all get into their spots and "freeze" so I can work around them. Better luck next time.

 

[boatman37]

99% of the time it's just me and my wife. My mother and step-father have a pontoon but have went out with us a few times. We normally just tell them to relax and we will take care of everything. We have had a few non boating friends out a couple of times, as well as our kids that are not boaters. We make sure they know to just stay out of the way. We also get life jackets out and have them try them on to make sure they are adjusted close.

 

[Soulshine]

I would have been pissed too and may or may not have verbalized it the way you did, but you apologized and it’s now up to them either accept it or not.

A week or so ago I had 4 guests. One boat owner and 3 total green horns. I was asked if I needed help at least 30 times over the most basic things and politely informed them that my wife and I have a solid routine and to relax and enjoy.

When we were approaching the dock I knew what was coming and told them that this is the time where everyone always wants to help, so help by picking a seat and staying in it until I say otherwise.

Docking went well but while I was putting my canvas up it began again and I declined (I can put my canvas up in 10 minutes in the dark). After a bit too much insistence I said that 2 people putting up the canvas is a tug of war I wasn’t interested in and to give me a minute.

My wife and I are solo boaters mostly and have things down.

When asked I say the boat sleeps two and I don’t bring other people’s kids out on the water, period.

 

[paulswagelock]

I feel your frustration. My oldest son asked to bring some friends, some turned into 7. Ok, no problem, we have room. I told him ahead of time, as he has been boating with me his whole life, coach them through appropriate boat snacks. No fried chicken, no cheese curls, no chocolate, all the things that make a great mess that I then need to deal with. Well, 10 minutes in comes out the chicken, the chocolate chip cookies, ... you name it, it was a melty staining mess of a choice. Ok, figured a good scrubbing would handle it after we returned. But then I see these friends start throwing their empty drink cans and bottles on the floor, tossing their beer caps randomly around the boat, etc. I lost it a bit, but not quite like the OP. I did sternly correct them and asked they show the person providing them this experience some respect, there is a trash can 3 feet away, beer caps rip seating, ...
They never asked to come back, and I am glad.

I do tell all guests, stay seated and do not help with docking, rafting up etc. unless I specifically ask for help, and will provide very concise instruction on what to do and not a single thing more.

 

[iBoat Skipper Doug]

Who where the guests?

Reasonable question. The guests are relatives of my admiral.

It would cause family stress to always say no.

My goal is to make it work via me learning Cockpit Resource Managment.

As I type this, I’m also making a boating checklist focused around specific tasks. One example is docking where one item is me clarifying tasks with guests via closed loop communication, even if the task is as simple as remaining seated until the motor is off.

I may be taking this CRM thing too far. Will see how this goes.

 

[Golfman25]

Reasonable question. The guests are relatives of my admiral.

Well that there is the problem right there. Good luck.