Air traffic chatter .. Funny stuff

[Robski97]

The following are actual, recorded, air traffic controller radio conversations.


Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

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Tower: 'TWA 2341 , for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Co ntrol: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I' ve got the little Fokker in sight.'

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tow er Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadaloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English. '
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

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Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 7 02: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: ' Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers.'

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'
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While taxiing at London's, Heathrow Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once'

 

[Hampton]

These are all very true. About 25 years ago, in the traffic pattern at a joint-use field (military and civilian), an excited DC-9 co-pilot asked a military crew on the radio if their aircraft was a C-5. The Captain of the C-5 very proudly came on the radio in an arrogant voice an answered, "Why yes, this is the C-5A Galaxy heavy lift aircraft with 4 TF39-GE-1C engines, 43,000 pounds of thrust each, can fly XXX hours and XXX miles without refueling and grosses out at 800,000 pounds. I believe your little aircraft is a DC-9, right? What does that aircraft gross out at?"

The Captain of the DC-9 came on the radio and smugly answered, "About $150,000/year." (Keep in mind, that was 25 years ago.) Radio silence followed.

 

[Nehalennia]

............ I believe your little aircraft is a DC-9, right? What does that aircraft gross out at?"

The Captain of the DC-9 came on the radio and smugly answered, "About $150,000/year." (Keep in mind, that was 25 years ago.) Radio silence followed.

That reminds me of a conversation I was a captured audience for. Our company does work for a couple very rich customers, managed by a property management type of outfit. I was in the parking lot of a small airport speaking to their manager about their hangar. The Pilot for this Co comes up and we're all talking about the job I was doing. A few minutes later another guy walks up looking for a hangar on the other side of the airport. He said he just got hired as a pilot for a local siteseeing co, and the moron that he's replacing is moving on from a "Dream job" and he didn't understand. I then watched the "pilot" I was originally speaking with get a goofy smerk on his face and ask the other pilot:
Why would anyone flying people paying good money to see beautiful scenery everyday leave?

The "new Pilot" replied I don't know but he's a moron and I'm very happy to have his job.

The Pilot replied,
Year's ago I used to fly a 757, then I wanted a more simple schedule, so I went to work where you are now. When this company offered me private use of the plane, fly all over the world and not the same routes with smelly people on board, and a $100,000.00 raise, I couldn't turn it down.

 

[sbw1]

The fixed based operator in Iowa City used to have fun with green pilots who would call for "landing instructions." He would lead them throught a check list...add carburator heat, x degrees of flaps, lower gear, ..........

 

[Hampton]

The "new Pilot" replied I don't know but he's a moron and I'm very happy to have his job.

The Pilot replied,
Year's ago I used to fly a 757, then I wanted a more simple schedule, so I went to work where you are now. When this company offered me private use of the plane, fly all over the world and not the same routes with smelly people on board, and a $100,000.00 raise, I couldn't turn it down.

Never pass up the opportunity to shut the heck up.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and let them wonder if you're an idiot than to open it and prove it to them.

Hey, how did he like that leather anyway? (Foot in mouth). I hate it when I do that.

 

[Nehalennia]

Never pass up the opportunity to shut the heck up.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and let them wonder if you're an idiot than to open it and prove it to them.

Hey, how did he like that leather anyway? (Foot in mouth). I hate it when I do that.

Yeah when the "new guy" was visibly and seriously embarrassed, then quickly realized who the Pilot I was talking to was working for and the 3 planes he had at his disposal including a private 757......he simply apologized and left.

 

[Hampton]

Yeah when the "new guy" was visibly and seriously embarrassed, then quickly realized who the Pilot I was talking to was working for and the 3 planes he had at his disposal including a private 757......he simply apologized and left.

Wow! That's better than pulling out of a high speed, low altitude dive without breaking anything. He may just do ok.