Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
 
My old age thoughts...

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things. I do random gravity checks! I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".

I'm just very wise. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad!!!
 
An 85 year old man is rocking in his chair on the porch and his 83 y o wife is rocking next to him on hers. After a few minutes she gets up, punches him in the mouth, and sits back down. Couple of seconds go by and the man says "dang woman what was that for"? She replies, "That's for 62 years of terrible sex". Couple of minutes later the old man gets up hits his wife square in the jaw and she fall out of the chair and onto the porch. She gets to her feet and sits back down and asks what that was all about. Couple minutes later the old man says "thats for knowing the difference".
 
A man received an e-mail from his neighbor:





"Sorry Jim, but I have been using your wife... day and night whenever you’re not at home. In fact, probably more than you. I’m confessing now because I feel really guilty. I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. I will ask your permission in the future.”



Upon reading this, Jim gets his gun and, without uttering a word, he shoots his wife.



A few minutes later he received another e-mail: “Sorry Jim: I meant ‘wifi,’ not ‘wife.’”


(Auto correct has become my worst enema.)
 
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
 
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED .....

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 
Me behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is not mine!
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.”
Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”
First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”
He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says,
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”
The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”
 
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral hearse for the last 25 years."
 
Old guy walks into a bar late into the evening and sees a rather stout girl dancing on a table. He looks at her and says, "Nice legs."

She looks down, giggles, and replies, "You really think so?"

He looks at the table and says, "Yup. Most tables would have collapsed by now."

And women say that we're not observant.
icon_lol.gif
 
The old guy sitting at a bar is approached by a somewhat attractive, younger woman. She sits down next to him, looks him over and says, "You know, if you lost some weight, got a haircut and maybe a shave, you wouldn't be so bad."

He takes a swig of his beer, looks her over and replies, "Well, if I did all that ... I'd be over there talking with your friends instead of wasting my time with you."
lmfao.gif
 
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you aresleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!





The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,

"I am on the toilet. Please advise."
 
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high.


Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story...
 
Saturday morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home, I stopped at the gas station and this gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in the barter system. Would you be interested in a trading sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded.....

"Well, that depends…what kind of ammo do you have?”
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was MY pharmacist.
 
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally
slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is
going to be my lucky day!" I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt
still around her neck.

Happy, but a bit puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She
explained, "The egg timer is broken."
 
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?’
 
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