Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

[The Bill Collector]

For your entertainment… Good One Liners For Any Election Year, especially this one!!!

============================

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~




The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~


We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office

~Aesop~


If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.

~Will Rogers~


Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~


Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~


Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~


Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~




I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~




A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Tex Guinan~





I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle~




Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~




There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.

~Will Rogers

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​

 

[The Bill Collector]

Elijah CarderJanuary 9 ·

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Gofirstclass]

In a nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color. Black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.

But, it's a wheelchair!! That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!

I said to myself, aloud "This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled."

"It's the pure and holy truth", whispers someone from behind me.

I turn around, and it's my boyfriend.
Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.
Oh, my God..... black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, noooooo...I'm bald!!!

The telephone rings. It's my brother.

He is saying, "Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you lazy sh!t... Any job."
Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it.
Frustrated, I hang up.

That's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker?

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me,

"Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who you are going to vote for in the Primary?
Will it be Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders ???"

Say it isn't so!!!

I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, living in a slum, with a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me....


I'm a Democrat

 

[Strypes]

:smt043 :lol: :smt038 :grin: :thumbsup:

 

[MonacoMike]

The army received a suggestion for a new recruiting strategy...

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep,' and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical sonofabitch....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

How about recruiting menopausal Women over the age of 50 ... !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol....they will have it secured the first night...

 

[The Bill Collector]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 

[Dredgeman]

Agree

 

[The Bill Collector]

MALE LOGIC

This is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which he answered quite simply and she is speechless after answering only one question.

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No.
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

 

[RichardS]

FB keeps asking " what's on your mind"? So here it is:

I still have so many unanswered questions!

I never found out who let the dogs out; the way to get to Sesame Street; why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps;
why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery";
why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed;
why "abbreviated" is such a long word;
why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons;
why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections;
and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs?
And just what is Victoria's secret?

You see, the world just has to keep going. I have too many questions......and do you really think I am this witty ???? ...because I actually stole this from a friend.....so don't blame me if it isn't all that funny, or thought-provoking!

(Apologies if this has already been posted....didn't find it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there....have you ever done a search for something here that points you to a thread with 100 pages??? I have! Now go find which page it's on! Good luck!)

 

[Polaris]

When I was young my mother caught me masturbating and told me if I continued I would go blind, so I just did it until I needed glasses.

 

[Gofirstclass]

I was approached by police officer and he said "How high are you ?"

I said " No, no. It's 'Hi, how are you ?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My girlfriend is perfect. She meets me at the door with two marijuana cigarettes in her hand.

She's double jointed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let's everybody on the globe smoke a joint at the same time.

We'll have two hours of world peace followed by a global food shortage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Are marijuana dispensaries Joint joints ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bad actor smoking a joint.....Baked ham...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They made it legal in our 49th state....Baked Alaska.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know why you get the munchies when you're stoned..... You are either baked, toasted, or fried.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's better to fight the war on drugs than to not have any.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't smoke weed with Dracula...he might get the munchies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember he old "This is your brain on drugs" commercial ? The one where they break an egg into a pan and fry it ?

I don't think it's keeping people away from drugs. Me, it just makes me want a Denny's grand slam breakfast.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[The Bill Collector]

 

[Blueone]

I was walking through the mall in Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "Ph@*k off - Get out and Stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

 

[JimmyDubai]

Back in the North Sea where weather can be pretty bad the light house operator gets a call in the middle of a storm and the radio signal was pretty bad.......

Mayday Mayday.. this is Diamond I Diamond I.... respond!!!...

The operator says.... this is North sea light house Diamond I.... what is your situation...

We are sinking....we are sinking.....

And the light house operator says.... oh yes!!! what are you thinking about????? :grin:

 

[Gofirstclass]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

 

[Gofirstclass]

A cowboy, who just moved to Washington from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see,
I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar,
and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though..."

 

[The Bill Collector]

Subject: Fwd: "I love my job", says Bob

[FONT=&amp]

Are You Havinga Bad Day???? [FONT=&amp]This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

[FONT=&amp] Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

[FONT=&amp] Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

[FONT=&amp] He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

​

[FONT=&amp] Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

​

[FONT=&amp] She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

​

[FONT=&amp] Needless to say, she won.

​

[FONT=&amp] Read his letter below...

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[FONT=&amp] ~Hi Sharon ,[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]Last week I had a bad day at the office.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] It's a wet suit.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] This time of year the water is quite cool.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] It heats it to a delightful temperature.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] This floods my whole suit with warm water.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] It's like working in a Jacuzzi.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] So, of course, I scratched it.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] This only made things worse.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] In agony I realized what had happened.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] Needless to say, I aborted the dive.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my ass was swollen shut.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?[/FONT] [FONT=&amp] May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!![/FONT] [FONT=&amp] Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.[/FONT] Remember Though: It Was Also A Bad Day For The Jellyfish.

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[wayne0]

:smt043Bumper sticker on pick-up at red light-I read it out loud and :lol:
MISSING -WIFE 5'5"110LBS AND DOG BLACK LAB 60LBS
REWARD FOR DOG CALL18005550987:thumbsup:

Seen recently- "If you're gonna' ride my ass, you could at least pull my hair"

 

[The Bill Collector]

[FONT=&quot]Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]




[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]




[FONT=&quot]
Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?
[/FONT]




[FONT=&quot]Hattie : For better digestion, I drink beer.[/FONT]




[FONT=&quot]In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine.[/FONT]




[FONT=&quot]For low blood pressure I drink red wine. [/FONT]




[FONT=&quot]In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch.[/FONT]




[FONT=&quot]And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.[/FONT]




[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]




[FONT=&quot]Reporter : When do you drink water?[/FONT]




[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]




[FONT=&quot]Hattie : I've never been that sick.[/FONT]




[/FONT]

 

[Gofirstclass]

I've always kind of admired the trend in women's jeans where they have sparkly looking stuff that looks like diamonds all over the back end, especially on the pockets.

I was in a store today, looking at the butt of the gal in front of me, looking at the pattern on the "diamonds". She turned around and caught my looking at her butt and remarked "Well you sure are a male chauvinist pig, standing there admiring my butt".

"Well, to be truthful, I wasn't as much admiring your butt as I was staring in amazement at that MASSIVE display of rhinestones. I don't think I've ever seen such a big collection."

I was only in the hospital for an hour or two to get stitched up.