Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
 
Bucit said:
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
Click to expand...
See post 1942 ;) http://clubsearay.com/showthread.php/18090-Joke-Thread-post-em-if-you-got-em?p=857647#post857647
 
I was walking through the park one day when I saw an old man sitting on a bench crying.

"What is the matter" I asked.

He looked up and said, "I just got married to a much younger woman and all she want is sex all day. Sometimes 3, 4 or 5 times."

"So what is the problem?"

With a tear in his eye he said, "I can't remember where I live!"
 
Obama and Putin were walking around out in the country enjoying the scenery and
the mild fall weather. On the trail they came across a sheep. When the sheep
tried to get away it got its head caught in the fence next to the trail and
was stuck. Putin smiled, walked behind the sheep and dropped his drawers
and had his way with it. When Putin was done he turned to Obungler and
said, “Go ahead it’s your turn!”

Obumbler eagerly walked over and stuck his head in the fence.
 
Now THAT is funny. Putin has been sticking it to him for a few years, but I don't think they've ever had to use a fence.
 
Joe was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
 
San Francisco 49ers football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the field.

Coach Jim Tomsula immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
 
A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on I-40 about 2 miles south of Raleigh. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Dunn. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Garner got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
 
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
 
Since I retired five years ago I've felt a bit like a boat adrift at sea. I have no job, no job title, no goals, no direction and instead of being proactive on things I find I've just been reactive to whatever comes along.

My wife fixed that the other day when she made me her Sexual Advisor.

I was pleased and a bit proud when she told me "If I want any f*cking advice from you I'll ask for it."

I think I'm going to like retirement more now.
 
*My Favorite Animal*

*Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken."*

*She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.*

*My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.*

*I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.*

*He said they love animals very much.*

*I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.*

*I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.*

*The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite* *live* *animal
was.*

*I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.*

*She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.*

*I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.*

*Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.* *I told her, "Colonel Sanders."*



*Guess where the **** I am now...*
 
…... An old time golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

Cold Beer: $2.00
Hamburger: $2.25
Cheeseburger: $2.50
Chicken Sandwich : $3.50
Hand Job: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers: "I was wondering, young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly: "Well, wash your hands real f*cking good because I want a cheeseburger!"
 
l.jpg
 
INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.



THE amazing facts -

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
 
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery.

Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact,


he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
 
Tax Time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron.." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.


They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl."

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
 
Happy President's Day. The last sign is in honor of those running for President!

*SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READ:

*We will heel you

*We will save your sole

*We will even dye for you.



*Sign over a Gynecologist Office:

*Dr. Jones, at your cervix.



*In a Podiatrist's office:

*"Time wounds all heels.



*On a Septic Tank Truck:

*Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



*At an Optometrist's Office:


*If you don't see what you're looking for,

You've come to the right place.



*On a Plumber's truck:

*We repair what your husband fixed.



*At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

*Invite us to your next blowout.



*On an Electrician's truck:


*Let us remove your shorts.



*In a Non-smoking Area:

*If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.



*At a Car Dealership:

*The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.



*Outside a Muffler Shop:

*No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.



*In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

*Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!



*At the Electric Company:

*We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.

However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.



*In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

*Drive carefully. We'll wait.



*In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

*Best place in town to take a leak.



*And the best one for last.



*Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

*Caution - "This Truck is full of Political Promises."










 
there is a local tree removal service here and their slogan is 'you should see what we saw'
 
The Sheer Nightgown....


A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.



He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price.



Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.



He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.




Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.

I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'



She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.


The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'


He never heard the shot.


Funeral on Thursday at Noon .



Closed coffin.
 
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