Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

this one is lame, what was forrest gump's email password ??

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1forrest1. :lol:
 
Momma always says jokes are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get- that's all I got to say about that...........

Forrest
 
[FONT=&quot]...A Pharmacist's Bad Morning...[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot].[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]know how to use a Rectal Thermometer."

"And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
IMG_1239.jpg
 
THE HAIRCUT
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

As Ronald Reagan said:
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
 
Mark, my wife probably wouldn't even be speaking to me. With a couple of monsters like those though, it would be hard to give up on Sam.
 
67e9f730428d08482f79374be189f300.jpg


Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk
 
A dad cooks a deer for dinner but doesnt twll his kids what it is. He goves them 1 hint "its what your mother calls me". One of his sons screams out "its a fu*king dick dont eat it!!"

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk
 
Got a Chinese takeout last night and as I got in the car I heard the bag rustle, so I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out the top of the bag at me then disappear back inside. I was so scared I nearly sh*t myself. I looked again and saw the eyes looking at me then disappear again. I ran back into the shop with the bag and I asked the Chinese guy what the hell is going on !?
He said " you no worry, it Peking duck "
 
[FONT=&quot]Harold Schlumberg - An Inspiration To Us All[FONT=&quot]
[FONT=&quot]As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to make a difference in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other seniors who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Harold[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Schlumberg[FONT=&quot] is such a person. [/FONT][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
HaroldSchlumberg.jpg
[/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[FONT=&quot]Â QUOTE FROM HAROLD: "I've often been asked, '... What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well, I stay active and happy. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer and scotch into urine. Then I take a jog out to the shed and piss on a picture of Obama. I do this several times every day. I really enjoy it and get my exercise too!" [/FONT][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Harold is an inspiration to all of us old folks.[/FONT]

[/FONT][/FONT]
 
Democrat, Republican, or Southerner

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

*The answer can be found by posing the following question:*

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:



Democrat's Answer:

� Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
� What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
� Does the man look poor or oppressed?
� Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
� Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
� Could we run away?
� What does my wife think?
� What about the kids?
� Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
� What does the law say about this situation?
� Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
� Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
� Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
� Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
� If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
� Should I call 9-1-1?
� Why is this street so deserted?
� We need to raise taxes, have a puff, pass and paint day and everything will be better.
� Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
� I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
� This is all so confusing!

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?

Wife: You are NOT taking that to the Taxidermist!
 
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
 
I wish I had this sage piece of advice when I was younger:

if a woman ever pulls a knife on you during an argument ................................... pull out some bread and mayo .................................. her womanly instincts will kick in ..........................................................and she will make you a sandwich
 
A local Pub in Ireland:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
 
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