Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former class mates', they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large; break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says; "see that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down" The husband looks at his wife and says: "Looks like he's still celebrating"...........
 
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, 　her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.　
　
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. 　
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
　
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

　Just thought you'd like to know.
 
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MUST READ..................
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true..
 
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
 
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?
 
Ian, this one's for you!



Three Aussie blokes named Mongrel, Coot and Bluey, were working high up on an outback mobile phone tower.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says,

"Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife".

Mongrel says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bluey says, "Where'd you get the beer Mongrel?"

"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replies.

"That's unbelievable, you actually told his missus her husband was dead and

she gave you a case of beer!"

"Well, not exactly", Mongrel says.

When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow."

She said, "You must be mistaken .... I'm not a widow."

Then I said, "I'll betcha a case of beer you are."

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
 
Thanks, yes I smiled......I've got a few cartons!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
this is no joke, but I thought posting here would get the attention of most of you.....
Boating Matters
Stand Up and Take Action!
Action AlertTell the EPA: No More Ethanol
The EPA has plans to increase the country's ethanol mandate to historic levels. If implemented, this will increase the likelihood that dangerous fuels like E15 will be coming to a fuel pump near you- a fuel that can and will destroy marine engines. The EPA has opened a... [+] more



https://www.votervoice.net/NMMA/Campaigns/41081/Respond
 
Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Old bum, semi drunk is wandering down the dock of a local marina, comes upon a guy with the engine hatch open with black smoke coming out...and this horrible noise, then sees the man jump out and kill the engine, while sweating and cussing, the bum says "What's the problem?" The boater looks up and says "Piston broke". The bum replies "Yeah...me too...so what's the problem?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be careful of the French girls..... https://www.youtube.com/embed/_CwHrJt8Oz8?rel=0

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Handicap Parking

Today I had to go to the hardware store. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available. The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped! Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your "I'm Ready for Hillary" bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a mental disorder." She screamed some nasty names at me, and waved one finger at me.

Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!
 
Apologies guys, have really struggled to read the Joke Thread for the last few months, let alone contribute to it.

Anyway..........thought of you all when I received this one today.

[FONT=&quot]The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Now, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Fifty Sheds Of Grey[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot], offers a treat for the men.

The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Here are some extracts...


We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up[/FONT]
 
Not exactly a joke, but still damn funny.

08 JULY 2015
Seattle Employees Ask for Reduced Hours So That Jacked-Up Minimum Wage Won’t Cost Them Subsidized Housing. By jacking up minimum wage, Seattle has provided a valuable lesson in liberal economics. The plan has now backfired.

Nora Gibson is the executive director of Full Life Care told KIRO 7 News she saw a sudden reaction from workers when Seattle’s phased minimum-wage ordinance took effect in April, bringing minimum wage to $11 an hour. She said anecdotaly, some people feared they would lose their subsidized housing so they have asked that their work hours be reduced to remain eligible for all government subsidies.

It doesn’t stop at $11/hour. The law puts it up to $15 starting January 1, 2017, they will have to reduce their work hours even more to remain eligible for handouts. Good thing the minimum wage wasn’t raised even higher, most would not work at all, they prefer to be spoon fed and remain on the government plantation.

Remember free market capitalism? Under that system, the harder and smarter you worked, the higher your standard of living.
But that was found to result in income inequality, so now we have a system where wealth is bestowed by bureaucrats, and working harder doesn’t always make sense.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shaking my head and smiling GFC
 
Yeah thats how my weekends seem to go.
 
I don't often watch the utube jokes. Calling people to watch Dusty. I may never be the same again.

Mark
 
[FONT=&quot]only in Alaska...
MISSING WIFE FOUND[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens exclaimed.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The trooper continued, "Well, when we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25-pound King crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
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