Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

I'm sorry about forgetting your birthday but I know exactly what lug nuts are required on the left side of your 1970 Plymouth....
me

 

A

 

Ha, that was my first concert, Bryan Adams opened for Foreigner.

 

Not long after we were married, we saw him open for Journey!

 

This one won't last long...

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Art

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying on the porch?

matt

 

In a pile of leaves?

Rustle

 

If Spring showers bring mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring?

Pilgrims

 

A

 

Punctuation, careful with it

 

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend,
"Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said,"We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said,"Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said,"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said,"A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said,"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........

"A Chihuahua? They gave me a f***ing Chihuahua?!"