Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking tennis elbow won't get better!
"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"

 

Normal Person .

As a man, I used to think I was pretty much just a regular person, but I was born white, into a two-parent household which now, whether I like it or not, makes me "Privileged," a racist & responsible for slavery.

I am a fiscal & moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist because I plan, budget & support myself.

I went to High School, paid my way thru college, earned a degree, & have always held a job. But I now find out that I am not here because I earned it, but because I was "advantaged”.

I am heterosexual, which according to "gay" folks, now makes me a homophobe.

I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as an infidel.

I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which makes me a defacto member of the "vast NRA gun lobby!”

I am older than 60, making me a useless person who doesn't understand Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter.

I think & I reason, and I doubt much of what the "main stream" media tells me, which makes me a "Right-wing conspiracy nut.”

I am proud of my heritage & our inclusive American culture, making me a xenophobe.

I believe in hard work, fair play, & fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe our system guarantees freedom of effort - not freedom of outcome or subsidies which must make me a borderline sociopath.

I believe in the defense & protection of America for & by all citizens, now making me a militant.

I am proud of our flag, what it stands for and the many who died to let it fly, so I stand & salute during our National Anthem - so I must be a racist.

Please help me come to terms with the new me because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!

It all took place over the last few years of socialist political control; it’s time to get rid of these fools.

And as if all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with, now I don't even know which restroom to use … and I got use the restroom MUCH more FREQUENTLY!

 

Now I know why Santa is so jolly all the time. "He knows where all the naughty girls are."

 

Have to resurrect this one since Halloween is coming up