Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

THE CRABS
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonde aren't as dumb as most folks think .....
 
I recently got divorced. Not surprising, really. I mean, after all, I'm a Gemini and she's a b*tch.
 
I recently got divorced. Not surprising, really. I mean, after all, I'm a Gemini and she's a b*tch.
 
JMG said:
I recently got divorced. Not surprising, really. I mean, after all, I'm a Gemini and she's a b*tch.
Click to expand...
DDF948CB-681A-4C5F-A8AF-307924EE4497.png
 
A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word.
 
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.



"We have two big needs," said the village leader. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor." The politician whipped out a cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"



"We have no cellphone reception in our village."
 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
 
Florida woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol!

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol. Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"
 
not unusual, if you watched the tv show about the backwood lusiana guys that hunted gators in the swamps (cant remember the name) they used .22 head shots so as not to ruin the skin.
 
upload_2020-12-27_22-58-40.png
 
Politicians


A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.


"We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”


The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow.

What is your other need?”


“We have no cellphone reception in our village.”
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Forum statistics

Threads
113,163
Messages
1,427,600
Members
61,073
Latest member
kolak3
Back
Top