Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?' All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
 
I wen't to see my urologist last week. He was on vacation so his new partner saw me. She turned out to be drop-dead-georgous. She took 1 look at me and said " You have to stop masterbating!"... I asked "Why?"....
She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
 
MonacoMike said:
I wen't to see my urologist last week. He was on vacation so his new partner saw me. She turned out to be drop-dead-georgous. She took 1 look at me and said " You have to stop masterbating!"... I asked "Why?"....
She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
Click to expand...
Ummmm, Mike, I think it would be best if you kept your personal medical history and comments to yourself. :rolleyes:
 
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '

but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I'm 96' said the old man.
'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough
so I don't piss on my slippers.'
wink.png
 
The government today announced that it is changing the national flag to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance.

A Condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.
 
So, this past weekend, I walked into the living room from the kitchen and asked my daughter for the phone book. She laughed and laughed and called me an antique, then handed me her iPhone and said, "Just use this."

Long story short, the spider's dead, the phone screen is cracked, and last I checked she was still in the living room crying.
 
My nieces and nephews are so open to experiencing culture. They'll try anything from chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mediterranean restaurant...
 
20 Differences Between Fishing and Sex

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished
with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to
enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"
 
A man and wife were at home watching TV and he kept switching switching between the fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife becme more and more annoyed and finally said, "for goodness sakes leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish."
 
Husband and Wife went to a disco party. There’s a guy on the dance floor was dancing like a king – moon walking, break dancing, head spins and so on.

The wife turned to her husband and sighed, “You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no.”

Husband said, “Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!”
 
Husband sent a text to his wife, “Hi I will get late, please wash all my dirty clothes and please prepare my favorite dish before I return.”

He sent another text, “I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary and at the end of the month I’m getting you a new car”

Wife text back, “Omg really ?”

Husband Replied, “No, I just wanted to make sure that you got my 1st message.”
 
A Business Class traveler was trying to flirt with an attendant.
"So, what's your name young lady?"
She replied "Mercedes, sir."
"Lovely! Any relation to the car?"
"Yes sir, we do have something in common."
"Oh, what would that be?"
"The price tag."
 
Eye halve a spelling chequer;
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss teaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
- It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose before two long,
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye run this poem threw it;
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.
 
MonacoMike said:
My nieces and nephews are so open to experiencing culture. They'll try anything from chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mediterranean restaurant...
Click to expand...

That’s my grandkids. I just tell them everything is chicken. One has to have ranch dressing with everything. The other, ketchup.
 
MrHappy said:
That’s my grandkids. I just tell them everything is chicken. One has to have ranch dressing with everything. The other, ketchup.
Click to expand...

My grandson is like that also with the chicken nuggets.

He also was into putting extreme amounts of parmesan cheese on his pizza. That is until one day I heated some leftover pizza for him, gave it to him and went into my office while mine was heating up. He came in and said "Papa, I don't like my pizza"... I went into the kitchen and immediately understood. His piece of pizza was white from all the salt he had put on it.... It was hard to keep from laughing. I simply took it to the sink and brushed off the salt in the sink... and put some real parmesan cheese on it for him...
 
At Christmas time, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. Maybe that's why I'm no longer a fireman.
 
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
 
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Forum statistics

Threads
113,118
Messages
1,426,552
Members
61,035
Latest member
Lukerney
Back
Top