Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for argument."

They look over at their young friend, the Third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
 
An older gentleman who was nearing retirement was unexpectedly laid off from his job. As he sat on the edge of his bed that evening, he began to sob hysterically. His wife, wondering what was wrong, ran into the room and knelt down beside her husband. He explained to her how he had lost his job and that there was no way anyone would hire him at his age. He also explained that they didn't have enough money to yet retire and was concerned about their future.

Mother wife stood up and walked away. A few minutes later she came back into the bedroom and handed him a financial statement. When he saw the account total he began sobbing again, and asked his lovely wife how they had $1.2 million dollars. She said we've been married for almost 40 years, and every time in our marriage we have made love, I've always asked you for $20-50 the next day for something. The husband nodded and she she told him how she put all that money into this account for a rainy day. A huge smile immediately appeared, and as he hugged her like he'd never done before, he said baby if I had known that was what you were doing, I would have given you all my business.
 
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go — and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
 
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are given a problem solving test. One at a time, they're told to open a door.

The engineer opens the door and sees a fire burning. He also sees a water faucet and a trash can. He enters the room, fills the can with water, and douses the flames. He leaves the room and announces, "Problem solved."

The physicist opens the door and sees the same situation. He enters the room, fills the can with water, and leaves it on the floor by the fire. As he exits, he announces, "The solution is left to the reader."

The mathematician opens the door and sees the same scenario as the previous two. He then closes the door without entering and says, "The solution exists."
 
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know anything about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get an easy $1,000.


So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic
This is what happened.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Aagh! This is gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and leaves in a haste. He’s angry now, and spends the next few days trying to figure out a way to recover his money. He returns to Dr. Geezer’s office once he thinks of a clever plan…
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh no you don’t. That is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young, after having lost $1000 total, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so… Here’s your $1000 back.”
Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer “
 
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
 
Lawyers should never ask a Grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand… a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot, when you haven’t got the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state… not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died on the spot.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said… “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
 
Two women chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins and fell asleep in 2 mins. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour. When we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!
 
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up.
Within minutes! 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha that liar told you I was speeding, too.
 
A 15-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?!" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me $15."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15?!" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15."
"Oh my goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be insane. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for $15 and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
 
An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained …
"Well, doc, it's like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
"She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
A 85 year old man does to the doc for a physical. He brings his wife with him. Once the doc gives him a good going over, he tells the man "I'll need a blood sample, urine sample and a stool sample." The old man say what.
Doctor repeats he needs a blood, urine and stool sample. Again the old man says what. The mans wife says Doctor, my husband is hard of hearing. Then she turns to her husband and yells, "just give him your dirty underwear."
 
A teacher ran an exercise one day in which she presenter her young students with candies requiring that they identify the correct flavor. The children did well with the fruit flavors, but stalled on th amber-colored honey-flavored candy. They puzzled over it, and no one had so much as a guess, so the teacher gave a hint: It is something you may have heard your parents call each other. One little girl got a horrified look on her face, spit the candy out, and shouted, "OH MY GOD, THEY'RE A**HOLES!"
 
A young boy was walking along the docks one day admiring the ships, when a man walked up behind him and said, “Thinking of becoming a sailor?” “Yes, I am!” replied the boy.

“Well,” the man said, “I have sailed many years and have had many adventures.” The boy looked the man up and down, and saw that he had an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook. “I would love to hear of your adventures,” said the boy.

“Well,” the man said, “I was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope when I encountered pirates. They boarded my boat and I fought them 'til there was only one left. But before he got away he cut off my leg!” “That sounds terrible!” exclaimed the boy. “Aye lad, it was, but I got over it and continued sailing the seas.”

“How did you get the hook?” inquired the boy. “I was once again sailing around the Cape of Good Hope on my way home when I encountered the same pirate with a whole new crew. They boarded me again and I fought down to the last man, only this time as he got away, he cut of my hand!” “That is awful!” the boy once again exclaimed. “Aye lad, but again I got over it and continued sailing the seas.”

“Tell me how you got the eye patch! Was it the pirates again?” “No lad, this time I was just out fishing one day, I heard the cry of a gull, and when I looked up it sh*t in me eye!” “Pardon me sir, but I didn’t know you could lose an eye from gull sh*t.” “Well lad, 'twas the first day with the hook!!!”
 
My wife and I were married for 50 years.

One day, I took a careful look at her and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 19-year-old girl every night.

“Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.
 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say...”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
 
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Because it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?

Her husband says, “Yes I would remarry, I like living a married life and spending time with someone else.”

The wife gets uncomfortable and asks him, “Well, would you let her live in our house?”

And the husband says, “Yes, I’d let her live here, there’s nothing wrong with this house.”

That worries the wife more, so then she asks, “Well, would you let her sleep in our bed?”

The husband says, “Yes, I like my bed and I don’t want to get rid of it, I’d let her sleep in it.”

This only makes the wife more worried, so she feels compelled to say, “Well, at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs.”

The husband says, “Don’t worry, she will never use your clubs, she’s left-handed.”
 
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. “No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok?These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
 
There was a sheriff in a small town who was also the only veterinarian within many miles. One night, the phone rings. The sheriff's wife answers and the caller declares, "I need to talk to your husband!"

"Do you need his services as sheriff or veterinarian?"

"Both! We can't get the dog to open his mouth, and there is a burglar in it!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Forum statistics

Threads
113,163
Messages
1,427,599
Members
61,072
Latest member
BoatUtah12
Back
Top