Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Discussion in 'The Tiki Bar' started by The Bill Collector, May 6, 2009.

  1. northshore

    northshore Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Jan 17, 2011
    Cleveland, OH
    1989 340 Sundancer
    Raymarine E90W Radar/Chartplotter
    Twin 454 Mercruiser 340's
    Random thoughts and one-liners

    1. A bus station is where the bus stops. A train station is where the train stops. On your desk is a workstation.
    2. If God is watching us, the least we can do is to be entertaining.
    3. I saw a woman wearing a shirt with “GUESS” on it, so I said, “Implants?”
    4. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
    5. You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You need one to skydive twice.
    6. My opinion may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
    7. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
    8. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
    9. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
    10. If Bill Gates had a dollar for every time I had to reboot my compu…. Oh, wait, he does!
    11. Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
    12. Cemeteries are raising the cost of burial plots, and blaming it on the cost of living.
    13. Well aren’t YOU a waste of two billion years of evolution?
    14. We are all time travelers – moving exactly at the rate of 60 minutes per hour.
    15. Smith & Wesson – the original point and click interface.
    16. The easiest job in the world is a coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst that could happen? If everything went wrong, you might get a pulse.
    17. 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them It’s either my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
    18. If I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now.
    19. My drinking team has a bowling problem.
    20. If a leper gives you the finger, should you give it back?
    21. Tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. Almost kept dying.
    22. Rap is to music as Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
    23. If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    24. Should crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

    If any of this offends you, consider the purchase of some thicker skin....
     
  2. The Bill Collector

    The Bill Collector Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Jun 2, 2008
    Tacoma, WA
    450 Sundancer
    3126 Cat's
    17309840_1608942409134624_4647987190880977175_n.jpg
     
  3. Gofirstclass

    Gofirstclass Active Member GOLD Sponsor

    Apr 20, 2010
    Tri Cities, WA
    1995 550 Sedan Bridge,
    2010 Boston Whaler 130 Super Sport,
    1981 Boston Whaler 130 Sport,
    CAT 3406C's, 580hp.
    What is the difference between an Islamic Wedding and a terrorist meeting?

    "Hell, I don't know. I just fly the drone."
     
  4. The Bill Collector

    The Bill Collector Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Jun 2, 2008
    Tacoma, WA
    450 Sundancer
    3126 Cat's

    A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO



    Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.





    What did she think I had an elephant?





    So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.





    I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)




    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.



    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.



    Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.









     
  5. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    97 270DA 5k Kohler A/C,
    85 Monaco 197
    7.4 300hp BII,
    260hp Alpha 1
    Re: New member Ed Spradlin

    Apparently you did scare him away with your bullying. LOL He never made another post.

    MM
     
  6. randmhall

    randmhall Member SILVER Sponsor

    183
    Apr 18, 2009
    Grand Lake of the Cherokees, Oklahoma
    2006 Sea Ray 240 Sundeck
    350 Mag Bravo 3
    Re: New member Ed Spradlin

    A Bayliner is like a hooker. It looks good, and you think you might want it. But you know you shouldn't, and if you do, you will most likely have something you don't want after you get home.
     
  7. randmhall

    randmhall Member SILVER Sponsor

    183
    Apr 18, 2009
    Grand Lake of the Cherokees, Oklahoma
    2006 Sea Ray 240 Sundeck
    350 Mag Bravo 3
    Re: New member Ed Spradlin

    Lifeguard Training.jpg
     
  8. randmhall

    randmhall Member SILVER Sponsor

    183
    Apr 18, 2009
    Grand Lake of the Cherokees, Oklahoma
    2006 Sea Ray 240 Sundeck
    350 Mag Bravo 3
    Re: New member Ed Spradlin

    Buy versus Lease - an Analysis

    Buy

    The math on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce is as follows: After 5 years of marriage,hepaid her $49 million. Assuming he shared sex every night during their 5 year relationship it ended upcosting him $26,849 per occurrence.

    Lease
    On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!

    Had McCartney 'employed' Kristen, he would have paid $7.3 million, for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a $41.7 million savings)
    Additional leasing value-added benefits include: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, no bitching or complaining or 'honey-do' lists. Best of all, she leaves after her performance and comes back when asked. All at one-seventh the cost, and without legal fees or unflattering media exposure.

    Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
     
  9. pakama

    pakama New Member

    16
    Jun 3, 2017
    Florida
    1988 300 Weekender (current)
    1988 270 DA (past)
    1990 250 DA (past)
    1988 Laguna (past)
    twin 5.7l mercruiser inboards
    I went to my doctor about these headaches I've been getting. He told me that whenever he gets one, his wife gives him a bj and told me I should try it. Went back to him yesterday and he asked me if it worked. I told him yes and by the way you have a lovely home.:huh:
     
  10. pakama

    pakama New Member

    16
    Jun 3, 2017
    Florida
    1988 300 Weekender (current)
    1988 270 DA (past)
    1990 250 DA (past)
    1988 Laguna (past)
    twin 5.7l mercruiser inboards
    A blonde, brunette and a redhead were sitting in their Gyn's office and the redhead says she heard that if the man was on top it would be a baby boy. If the woman was on top it would be a girl.
    The brunette then noticed the blonde giggling and asked her what was so funny. The blonde replied "I'm gonna have puppies!"
     
  11. The Bill Collector

    The Bill Collector Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Jun 2, 2008
    Tacoma, WA
    450 Sundancer
    3126 Cat's
    MERLOT STORY



    [HR][/HR]
    [FONT=&quot] A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

    [FONT=&quot]
    She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

    [FONT=&quot]
    The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.....’[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]


    [FONT=&quot]After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
    He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]







    [FONT=&quot]It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:
    I have a Ferrari, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a PorscheTurbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back....’
    [/FONT]

















    [/FONT]
    [/FONT]
     
  12. Gofirstclass

    Gofirstclass Active Member GOLD Sponsor

    Apr 20, 2010
    Tri Cities, WA
    1995 550 Sedan Bridge,
    2010 Boston Whaler 130 Super Sport,
    1981 Boston Whaler 130 Sport,
    CAT 3406C's, 580hp.
    A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

    A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

    No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

    The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

    The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

    The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

    This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

    The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

    "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

    The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

    She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
     
    The Bill Collector likes this.
  13. b_arrington

    b_arrington Member SILVER Sponsor

    363
    Feb 21, 2007
    Setauket, NY
    270 Amberjack (2006)
    AB Ventus 9 VL RIB
    350 Mag MPI Horizon w/ BIII
    1998 Envinrude 15 HP 2-stroke
    Why did the bell go to the wedding?

    It heard they needed a ring.
     
  14. skibum

    skibum Active Member

    Jul 30, 2007
    Perry Hall, MD
    2005 Sundancer 260
    496 Magnum HO
    What do eating candy and listening to good music have in common?

    The first thing you do is throw away the (w)rapper.
     
  15. northern

    northern Active Member

    Jan 17, 2007
    West coast Vancouver to Alaska
    380 Aft Cabin 1989 GPS and Charts by Nobeltec
    Twin 454 strait shaft
    HOT COFFEE and PRIME MINISTERS
    I was eating breakfast with my teenaged Granddaughter and I asked her, "What special day was it in Canada yesterday?".
    Without skipping a beat she said, "It was Prime Minister’s Day!"
    She's smart, so I asked her, "What does Prime Minister’s Day mean?"
    I was waiting for something about Trudeau.
    She replied, "Prime Minister Day is when the Prime Minister steps out of the Prime Minister's Mansion, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."
    You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
     
    The Bill Collector likes this.
  16. The Bill Collector

    The Bill Collector Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Jun 2, 2008
    Tacoma, WA
    450 Sundancer
    3126 Cat's
    Looking forward to Retardment

    This is from a teacher who asked her third grade pupils to write about
    how they spent their spring break holiday. One child wrote:

    "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
    They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded
    and they moved to Arizona.

    Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
    They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
    They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't
    know who they are anymore.

    They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got
    it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises
    there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too,
    but
    they jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know
    how to swim.

    At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
    it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.
    Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

    My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how.
    Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every
    night: 'Early Birds'.

    Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out.
    So, the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and
    call
    it pot luck.

    My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
    says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my
    retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let
    people
    out so they can visit their grandchildren.
     
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