Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Discussion in 'The Tiki Bar' started by The Bill Collector, May 6, 2009.

  1. Gofirstclass

    Gofirstclass Active Member GOLD Sponsor

    Apr 20, 2010
    Tri Cities, WA
    1995 550 Sedan Bridge,
    2010 Boston Whaler 130 Super Sport,
    1981 Boston Whaler 130 Sport,
    CAT 3406C's, 580hp.
    At the National Art Gallery, in Dublin, Ireland, a Canadian couple was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

    The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

    The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.

    After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about??

    Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the husband.

    Because I'm the guy who painted it. - he replied. In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
     
  2. dvx216

    dvx216 Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Feb 1, 2012
    orrville,ohio
    2000 310 sundancer 5.7 vdrives






















    n/a
    twin 5.7 300 Hp. V drives
    I'm all for going home for lunch
     
  3. BurgundyS24

    BurgundyS24 Member

    423
    Oct 5, 2014
    Napa, CA
    Sea Ray S24. full delta enclosure. Towed by 2007 Chevy 3500 duramax/allison combo.
    350 with closed fresh water cooling
    [​IMG]


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  4. BurgundyS24

    BurgundyS24 Member

    423
    Oct 5, 2014
    Napa, CA
    Sea Ray S24. full delta enclosure. Towed by 2007 Chevy 3500 duramax/allison combo.
    350 with closed fresh water cooling
    What does bill say to Hillary after sex?







    Be home in 20 mins.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  5. BurgundyS24

    BurgundyS24 Member

    423
    Oct 5, 2014
    Napa, CA
    Sea Ray S24. full delta enclosure. Towed by 2007 Chevy 3500 duramax/allison combo.
    350 with closed fresh water cooling
    I buy all my guns from a guy named "T-Rex"









    He's a small arms dealer.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  6. The Bill Collector

    The Bill Collector Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Jun 2, 2008
    Tacoma, WA
    450 Sundancer
    3126 Cat's
    My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
    Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
    She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
    I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
    She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
    I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
    The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
    Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

    We had to have the garage door repaired.
    The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
    I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
    He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
    I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
    We haven't used that repairman since...

    I live in a semi rural area.
    We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
    The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
    IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
    My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
    She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
    He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
    'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
    To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
    He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

    The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
    I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
    She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
    I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
    Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
    She is a government employee.....

    When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
    service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
    We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
    As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
    ‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
    His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
    STAY ALERT!
    They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
    You now know why we have Hillary and Trump as choices people are fighting for with illogical opinions.

     
  7. Strypes

    Strypes Member

    595
    Dec 10, 2015
    Michigan Center, Penobscot, Catawba Island
    12 Meter Trojan International Motor Yacht

    Dinghy: Avon 3.11 RIB
    454 Crusaders
    4 Stroke 5HP Mercury
    [​IMG]
     
  8. NotHerDecision

    NotHerDecision Member PLATINUM Sponsor GOLD Sponsor

    612
    Jun 28, 2016
    Houston, Texas
    2001 Sea Ray 460 Sundancer
    2014 Seadoo 155 LTD
    2105 Seadoo 130 SE
    Cummins 6CTA 8.3L
    [​IMG]


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  9. The Bill Collector

    The Bill Collector Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Jun 2, 2008
    Tacoma, WA
    450 Sundancer
    3126 Cat's
    Old but good!





    Subject: A dog lover
    A dog lover, whose female dog came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it
    and her male separated.

    But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs
    apart.

    However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and
    moaning sounds.

    She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to
    disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

    Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although
    it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy
    voice.

    After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and
    place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of
    the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to
    withdraw."

    "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

    "Just worked for me," he replied.









     
  10. The Bill Collector

    The Bill Collector Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Jun 2, 2008
    Tacoma, WA
    450 Sundancer
    3126 Cat's
    Frank and Dianne were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.
    Dianne suddenly noticed that Frank was missing, and as they had a lot
    to do, she called him on his cell phone. Dianne asked, "Frank, where
    are you? You know that we have lots to do."

    Frank said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10
    years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not
    afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

    Little tears started to flow down Dianne's cheek, and she got all
    choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

    "Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that."
     
  11. bracketracer

    bracketracer Member GOLD Sponsor

    247
    Aug 23, 2016
    Wilson, NY
    2001 380DA
    Twin 454 Horizons
    :grin::grin::grin:


    Longish....

    Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
    "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
    "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
    Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
    "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
    "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
    "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
    At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
    "Pope Francis," his boss replies.
    "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
    Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
    Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
    His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f*ck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
     
  12. Gofirstclass

    Gofirstclass Active Member GOLD Sponsor

    Apr 20, 2010
    Tri Cities, WA
    1995 550 Sedan Bridge,
    2010 Boston Whaler 130 Super Sport,
    1981 Boston Whaler 130 Sport,
    CAT 3406C's, 580hp.
    The US Secret Service now has a new code phrase. When there's an active shooter near the president, instead of yelling "Mr. President, get down!" they're going to yell "Donald Duck".
     
  13. The Bill Collector

    The Bill Collector Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Jun 2, 2008
    Tacoma, WA
    450 Sundancer
    3126 Cat's
    BURGLARY IN FLORIDA (You just can't make this stuff up!!)



    When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently,
    thieves ignored his wide screenplasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.

    What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)

    A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar
    to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big
    time.

    Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with
    the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister,
    Gertrude. She died three years ago.'

    The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer
    known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too, about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

    Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings.

    Have a nice day."

    And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts!


     
  14. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    97 270DA 5k Kohler A/C,
    85 Monaco 197
    7.4 300hp BII,
    260hp Alpha 1
    A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

    She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

    The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?"

    The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish!

    MM
     
  15. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    97 270DA 5k Kohler A/C,
    85 Monaco 197
    7.4 300hp BII,
    260hp Alpha 1
    Eight year old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However,

    her teacher had written across the bottom:

    "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

    Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

    "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

    MM
     
  16. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    97 270DA 5k Kohler A/C,
    85 Monaco 197
    7.4 300hp BII,
    260hp Alpha 1
    A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

    His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

    "I understand," replies her husband,

    "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision is yours."

    Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.

    MM
     
  17. Jaybeaux

    Jaybeaux Member SILVER Sponsor

    56
    Jan 3, 2016
    Upper Potomac River
    420 Sundancer 2004
    Naught On Call
    Cummins 6CTA-8.3's with V-Drives
    9KW Onan Genset
    Boudreaux was settin on his front porch when he sees Thibdeaux running up the walk. Thibadeaux is a screaming and hollerin. Boudreaux says Cher, you best slow down, you gonna have a heart attack.

    Thibadeaux says Boudreaux, I gots good news and bad news. How you want it?

    After thinking a bit, Boudreaux says gimme to the bad news first, that way the the good news might cheer me up.

    Thibadeaux say I hate to be the to told you, but we found your mamma-in-law face down dead in the marsh last night.

    Fraught with sorrow, Boudreaux wails "No, not my momma-in-law. What could possibly make me feel better after bad news like dis?

    Thibadeaux says "dey was 10 blue crabs on her, each 12 inches from point to point. We gonna run her again tonight!"


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
     
  18. Timeflys

    Timeflys Member

    151
    Dec 7, 2013
    Thousand Islands, Ontario, Canada
    "Frequent Flyer"
    2002 Sundancer 360
    Merc Horizon 8.1s
    In light of our PMs recent visit:

    Q Why did the Canadian cross the road?

    A To get to the middle!
     
  19. Gofirstclass

    Gofirstclass Active Member GOLD Sponsor

    Apr 20, 2010
    Tri Cities, WA
    1995 550 Sedan Bridge,
    2010 Boston Whaler 130 Super Sport,
    1981 Boston Whaler 130 Sport,
    CAT 3406C's, 580hp.
    She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door. She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?" The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
     
  20. NotHerDecision

    NotHerDecision Member PLATINUM Sponsor GOLD Sponsor

    612
    Jun 28, 2016
    Houston, Texas
    2001 Sea Ray 460 Sundancer
    2014 Seadoo 155 LTD
    2105 Seadoo 130 SE
    Cummins 6CTA 8.3L
    That is AWESOME


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     

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