Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Words have meaning: POTENTIALLY -VS- REALISTICALLY

A young boy went to his father, and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from all that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house, and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister, and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother, and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course!" the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered these answers for a few days, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes! 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million bucks, but 'realistically' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."

Let me tell you that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life miserable.


I recently penned a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e". No problem you might think.


Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.


I wrote – "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her!"

Here's a sad example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations:


A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.

This just goes to show you that one minor mistake can ruin your life.

Thoughts and prayers for him and his family.

He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

Know why lesbians shop for sporting goods at Big 5 Sports?

They don't like Dicks.

Subject: Johnson ??


An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, and sunglasses.

The next morning they were at the beach, enjoying drinks, sunshine and the scenery when a topless blonde walked straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Fathers".

Stunned, they wondered how in the world she knew that they were priests. So they went back to the store to buy even more outrageous outfits. Now in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking towards them.

Again she nodded at each of them and said, "Good Morning, Fathers."

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and asked, “Young lady, we are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know when we are dressed as we are?”

She replied.....

Once upon a time, there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly

The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after
Question: What was in the Prince's pants
(SCROLL DOWN)








M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What on earth were you thinking?

Men should know that ALL women are "Bi-".

It's up to the man to figure out of she's bi-sexual or bi-polar.

About an hour into a bus trip a lady walks up to the bus driver and tells him , an old man just grabbed my crotch the bus driver told her to just go sit down back in your seat and if it happens again let me know.

A few minutes later another lady walked up and told the bus driver , a man just grabbed my crotch.

Curious about what was going on, the bus driver pulled over and walked to the back of the bus, he found an old man crawling around on the floor. The driver asked " what in the world are you doing down there"?

The old man told the driver " I lost my toupee and every time I grab it, it gets away"

My friend Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died. Tom wanted two things:
• To learn how to invest his inheritance.
• To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. ...
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men......

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

Beer and the Wheel

The two most important events in all of history were the invention
of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice-versa. These
two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians',
which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live
off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the
liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known
as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and
the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and
beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer, but most prefer white
wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal
women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community
organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and
invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the
pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, engineers, most corporate
executives, most athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of
trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a
liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true
believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.

The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep.

After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.

The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.

This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."

The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."


"We don't have any." replied the first woman.


"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.


"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."


The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.


As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under ...the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money.
A couple of hours later, I get a call from the jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!