Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em


Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
 
helmet.jpg
 
A soldier returning home after two years in service overseas, was met at the depot by his wife. they embraced and he stepped back to look her over and said "Oh boy, you got fat or are you pregnant"."No," she replied. "Before we go home we'll go to the doctor and find out," he said. The doctor examined his wife and said to the soldier, "Your wife is pregnant." I don't understand, I've been away for two years," said the soldier." "Oh well" said the doctor," that's what we call a grudge pregnancy." "What do you mean," asked the soldier.The doctor replied, "Someone had it in for you"
 
Geography Of A Woman
From 13 to 18 she is like Africa
Virgin and Unexplored
From 18 to 35 she is like Asia
Hot and Exotic
From 35 to 45 she is like America
Fully explored and free with her resources
From 45 to 55 she is like Europe
Exhausted but still with points of interest
From 55 on she is like Australia
Everybody knows its down there but nobody gives a damn!
 
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A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.
"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us"
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide
for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir; God will provide," replied the fiancé. The conversation proceeded like this . . . and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"



The father answered, "He's a Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God.
 
A friend of mine is an ER nurse, and he once told me that 50 percent of his job is removing foreign objects from people's butts.

Well, we used to be friends. He never talks to me anymore, even though I see him all the time.
 
In response to e-mails regarding my dog...

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six people wearing Obama tee shirts, four wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two Democrats, nine teenagers with pants hanging past their cracks, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME...


THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

I'M TRYING TO GET HIM TO QUIT SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE BAD TASTE OUT OF HIS MOUTH!
 
I was at the grocery store last night and there was a woman searching through the frozen turkeys, shoving them to each side. She was talking to herself, saying "None of these are big enough!" Clearly agitated she turned around and spotted a stockboy walking nearby.
In a loud voice she said "Hey! Don't the turkeys get any bigger?"
Without missing a beat the stockboy replied, "No ma'am. All of those turkeys are dead."
 
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell phone.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do!"

He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.

"Well I am in the boat store next to that."
 
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.

The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is:

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
 
A preacher was traveling and stopped at a motel for the night. As he was signing the registration form he said to the clerk, "I would like for the porn channels available on my tv to be disabled ".
The clerk gave him a disgusted look and said, "We only have regular porn, sicko".
 

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