Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What ? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale
 
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When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
 
Funny story to add to that. I used to work with a guy that got picked on for being a little less intelligent than most. He wasn't really he just had that slow drawl that made him sound like it and he was fun to pick on I guess. I didn't partake in it but did get a few laughs. One day a fellow co-worker said Joe was at a funeral the night before and accidentally locked his keys in his car. The worst part was it was raining and he left his windows down....lol
 
A hillbilly drowned when the pickup truck he was riding in the back of went off a bridge and into a river. The tailgate was locked.
 
Her : My name is Carmen, they call me that because I like cars and men. What's your name?

Me : Beertitties.



I told my wife, "You should be happy! I look really good for my age. In fact, I've been told I have the body of a Greek god".

That's when she informed me Buddha wasn't Greek.


Little Johnny had to relate a story about his family, and the teacher said it had to also have a moral. Johnny began, "My Uncle Frank was a paratrooper in Vietnam. One mission, his squad was to be dropped from a helicopter behind enemy lines. They brought a case of beer with them to celebrate after they won the firefight.
Frank was out the door first, carrying the case of beer, his M16, and a machete. Right after his chute opened, a rocket destroyed the helicopter, killing everyone aboard. Drifting down, he quickly guzzled the beer in memory of his fallen brothers. When he hit the ground, he was surrounded by 100 enemy soldiers. He opened up with his rifle until he ran out of ammo, killing 60. He threw his rifle down and took out his machete and attacked, killing another 30 until the blade broke. Discarding the broken blade he charged the rest, killing the remaining 10 with his bare hands".
The teacher said "Johnny, that's a HORRIBLE story! Does it even have a moral?"
"Sure!" Johnny replied.
"Don't f*** with Uncle Frank when he's been drinking."
 
Your mama's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Your mama's so fat, every time she turns around it's her birthday.

Your mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

Your mama's so fat, her alphabet begins with O
O-B-C-D
 
Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs are phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them..”

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide next to the garage behind my boat so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls”. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind the boat, that I noticed that there were some hairline cracks in my gelcoat, right were the hull meets the transom of my boat.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it over to the boat yard to have it repaired?

Signed,

WBS
 
Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music. The i-Boob as it is known will cost just 299.00 and has been regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them.
 
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So there were four of us sitting around one evening cracking open a few adult beverages and swapping lies about what great hunters we were/are.

One of the guys said "When me and the 3 guys I hunt with go on a hunting trip we never plan on a date to return from the trip."

One of the other guys asked him how did they know when it was time to go home? When everyone had bagged their deer?

Nope, the first guy said. "We always took along a REALLY UGLY woman and made her sit in the corner of the tent. When she started looking good to any of us, it was time to break camp."
 
Today I called a customer service line and the Auto answer said "This phone call may be recorded for training porpoises" I thought to myself, what happened to a whistle and a bucket of fish............?
 
The Dead Cow Lecture


This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
 
Train trip
A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied. "Get your own f---- blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The end
 
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
 
A couple were at the State Fair, and found themselves wandering through the livestock exhibit. They saw a pen with a bull in it, and a plaque by the pen that read "This prize bull was put out to stud 50 times in the last year".
The wife elbowed her husband and said
"Hey, that's impressive! You should ask him what his secret is!"
The husband laughed and they continued on.
The next bull had a plaque that read "This bull was put out to stud 150 times last year".
Elbowing him even harder the wife said "Whoa! That's like 3 times a week! You should try to be more like him!" The husband gave a weak smile but didn't say anything.
Continuing on, they came to a third pen with an enormous bull in it. The plaque read "This world champion bull has been out out to stud 365 times in the past year".
The wife nearly broke her husband's ribs with her elbow.
"Oh my God! That's once a day! If only you had that kind of drive!"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Yeah? Why don't you go and ask him if it was the same damn cow every time?"
 
A COWBOY NAMED BUD

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man selects a nearby animal, and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

AND THAT, FOLKS, IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.
 
Wal-Mart Cake

It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture.

Keep in mind this actually really did happen. This is someone who was moving from an insurance claims office.



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Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Walmart Employee: 'What you want on the cake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

STOP LAUGHING!

You just can't fix stupid!!!



Walmart-Cake.JPG
 
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