Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

DIVINE MADNESS

As a marine professional - one who prepares wood, then applies varnish to so called pleasure boats - I have written to the President of the American Psychiatric Association in the hope he will include a new mental disorder in the next edition of their psychiatric bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM).

The little-understood affliction is called Recreational Boat Ownership (RBO). RBO is characterized by some anal retentive/obsessive-compulsive behavior, the use of strange words to describe common structures, objects, and actions, clearly illogical spending habits, and a nearly-perpetual state of denial. There is no known cure.

The obsessive-compulsive nature of RBOs is exhibited by their Sisipheon attempts to keep things "shipshape." It involves the anal retentive use of numerous - and sometimes noxious - liquids and solids to almost constantly clean and lubricate various boat parts. And RBO sufferers uniformly label boat parts with names even stranger than doctors call body parts. As a mental health professional, you'll be shocked to learn that to RBOs, a 'wall' becomes a 'bulkhead', a'ceiling' becomes an 'overhead', and the toilet becomes, simply, a 'head'. Any group which sees their heads as toilets definitely needs help.

Sailboat owners - a subculture of RBOs - are among the worst. They constantly demonstrate classic passive-aggressive signs by not sailing directly into the wind but avoiding such a course with sly manipulations they call tacking. They become models of self-victimization - with traces of a persecution complex - when they encounter no wind. They call that state 'in irons'. And they show their grandiosity by terming bow platforms 'pulpits', and motorized yachts 'stink pots'.

Nowhere have I seen such mental illness as with the people who hire me to prepare and varnish their objects of dementia. Sure, after spending reasonable amounts of good money to have me carefully remove the old finish, finely sand the underlying wood and apply coats of high-quality varnish for an amazingly beautiful finish, they say things like "Great!" "Looks better than new!" and "You've got a true art for restoring neglected wood." But they're only fooling themselves. For at best, an RBO sufferer - like all mankind - can only temporarily conquer the elements.

RBO victims are not in total denial when it comes to their illogical spending habits. Many call their vessels "holes in the water into which you pour money." Yet they keep buying them. And they keep demonstrating their psychosis - their complete loss of touch with reality - by enjoying them. It's proof positive the whole lot is masochistic.

This is why I petition you to list RBO in your next edition of the DSM. At the least, it will make the millions of RBO sufferers eligible for medical benefits under the Americans with Disabilities Act so they can get help.

Many have, instead, spent their last penny getting their latest RBO fix. For these clearly touched souls act out Plato's maxim, listed in his Dialogues, when he opined: "But what is man's logical reasoning, compared to the power of divine madness?""


Fredric Alan Maxwell aka 'Fred the Finisher'

Boating, Fishing, Siesta

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish.

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, and stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spendmore time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles, and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen to 20 years."

"But what then, señor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your companies stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions, señor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

An ambitious I.T. Manager finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the boat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing:


"You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

The manager of a large shipyard noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"Jack," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is Jack Darling."

"Okay, Jack, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Women who don't cook, clean, or put out always ask "Where are all the good men?"


Well, the "good men" are eating a home cooked dinner, in a clean house,

and they're gonna have sex later...

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.

Apparently, the Notre Dame restoration may take 75-100 years.

Do you realize what that means? Out of everyone alive today, only Keith Richards may see it finished.

You’re An EXTREME Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
   
   
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
   
   
3. You've been married three times and still have the
   same in-laws.
   
   
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
   
   
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so
   clean.
   
   
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys,
   watch this.'
   
   
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
   
   
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
   
   
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
   
   
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
    
    
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
    exploded, right off its wheels.
    
    
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth
    than your spouse.
    
    
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
    
    
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
    
    
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to
    get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
    
    
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because
    there's a law against it.
    
    
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting
    your wife drunk.
    
    And in closing....
    
    Two good ol' boys in a Arkansas trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local horse trailer manufacturing plant.
    After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
    The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even
    • NOW ALL Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY
    
    

You forgot one,

If your house has more wheels on it than the cars parked on your lawn..........

I knew an Amish nymphomaniac.

She had to have six Mennonite.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words...…."Are you still holding the ladder?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was digging in my yard and found a box with gold coins in it. I thought, "I should tell my wife".

Then I remembered why I was digging in the yard..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two convicted murderers, who were sentenced to die by lethal injection on the same day, were led to the room where they would meet their Maker. The last rites were performed by the priest, the formal speech was given by the warden and the final prayers were said by the participants. Turning to the first man to die, the warden solemnly asked, "Son, do you have any last request?"

"Yes sir, I do," replied the condemned man. "I love dance music. Could you please play 'The Macarena' for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please, I beg you," pleaded the second man. "Kill me first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.

They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."

So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina.

"Fifty years," Grandma replied.

"That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?"

"Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times, but never divorce."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"

And then she switched on the light...

"No madam," said the gardener.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.'

Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?' '

Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”

Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.

The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”

Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."

"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.

“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.

“So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?” Mary asked.

“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam and afterward, the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every a grape went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.

After the physical exams were completed, the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.

“I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you.” he said.

“But doctor!” Mary complained. “You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”

“Well, OK.” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a Mormon and an Irishman are on an airplane together.

The Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prior to taking retirement and selling off his land, a farmer needed to get rid of all the animals he owned, so he decided to call on every house in his village. At houses where the man was the boss, he gave a horse; at houses where the woman was the boss, he gave a chicken.

Approaching one cottage, he saw a couple gardening and called out, "Who's the boss around here?"

"I am," said the man.

The farmer said, "I have a black horse and a brown horse. Which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, get the brown one," said his wife.

The farmer said, "Here's your chicken."

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said ,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.



Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?

One more.....you might be a redneck.....if you think the 8-10 lbs on the diaper package is how much it holds.

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark. The paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

After little Connor was born, the paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on the bottom. He began to cry.

The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!"