Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Bill and John, in their 80's decided to visit the Madam for one last sexual encounter. The Madam noticed Bill and John approaching, she quickly prepared 2 blow-up dolls, placing one in each room on the bed. Bill and John told the Madam that "We are here for the last time".

The Madam sent Bill upstairs to the room on the left and John to the room on the right. After an hour Bill and John left the rooms, paid the Madam and left. Bill and John were very quiet until Bill said: "How was yours"? John said, "I think she was dead". John said, "How was yours"? Bill said, "I think she was a witch". John replied, "How did you know she was a witch"? Bill said, "Well I got on top of her, bit her nipple, she farted and flew out the window."
 
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I sh!t like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
 
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton both decided to have biographies written about them.

George called his "The Three Most Powerful Men - Bush, Dick, and Colon".

Bill called his "Sex Between the Bushes"
 
One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink or two and were trying to convince a married friend that he should come too.

“I can’t,” said urmistaken, “My wife would kill me.”

After 15 minutes of persuasion by his friends he finally caves in and goes. Later looking at his watch he realizes that it is midnight. He immediately rushes home trying to figure a way out of the trouble he’s in.

Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and sees his wife’s legs sticking out of the covers. “I know,” he thinks to himself and crawls in between his wife’s legs under the covers and performs oral sex on her until she is satisfied.

“That should do it,” he thinks and walks into the bathroom to wash his face. He turns on the light and there’s his wife sitting on the toilet.

“What are you doing in here?” he impatiently screams.

“SSShhhhhh!” she says, “You’ll wake up your mother!!!!”
 
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
 
A priest was in the confessional and had to run to the bathroom.

So he grabbed a younger priest and asked him to fill in.
"What kind of penance to I give?"
"Use your own judgment and if you are really stumped ask one of the altar boys."

A young lady came in and confessed to having sex before marriage. She said that she gave her boyfriend a blowjob.

The young priest leaned out of the confessional and called an altar boy over... "What does the father usually give for a blowjob?"

"Five dollars and a candy bar"
 
A cowboy was captured by the Indians.
The Chief decided to give the cowboy three wishes before they killed him.

The cowboy said, I want to talk to my horse!
The Indians bring his horse and the cowboy whispers in his ear.

The horse gallops off and returns in an hour with a beautiful brunette.
The girls gets off the horse and the cowboy and girl go into the teepee.

An hour later they come out and the Chief says - what second wish.
The cowboy said, I want to talk to my horse!
The Indians bring his horse and the cowboy whispers in his ear.

The horse gallops off and returns in an hour with a beautiful blonde.
The girls gets off the horse and the cowboy and girl go into the teepee.

An hour later they come out and the Chief says - what third wish.
The cowboy said, I want to talk to my horse!

The Indians bring his horse and the cowboy looks the horse in the eye and says Listen stupid, POSSE - POSSE!!!!!
 
Guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and tells the bartender to give him a shot of the strongest stuff he has.

The bartender gets nervous because he has some hardcore chit in an old bottle from who knows when.

The guy says he doesn't care just pour him one and the bartender does just that.

The guy instantly starts sweating, his eyes roll to the back of his head and passes out for maybe a minute or so, wakes right back up, looks in his shirt pocket and calls the bartender back for another shot.

The bartender looks at the guy but you know that old saying, "The customer is always right" and pours him another shot.

Same exact thing happens again. Sad part is this goes on till the bottle is just about empty. Out of concern for the guy and also for himself the bartender goes up to the guy and asks what the deal is as he's never seen anyone drink even one and not have to get carried out and also, what the heck is in your pocket.


The guy just laughs and explains to the bartender he's good. He tells the bartender that he has a picture of his wife in his shirt pocket and he uses that as a drinking tool of sorts.

He tells the bartender once his wife starts to look decent, he can go home...
 
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.

"My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.

"Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have two 5 gallon buckets of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
 
The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.

"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.

"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.

"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.

"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."

"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
 
Valentines Day Special-- $500

We arrest you in front of your wife the day before Valentines Day and release you two days later.

The fee includes camping permit, fishing license, tent, use of boat and beer. We come in full uniform and flashing blue lights.
 
Bill and Hillary are driving when Hillary asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to Bill, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

Bill says, "OK, bring it into the car."

Hillary says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

Bill says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" asked Hillary.

Bill says, "Just hold its little nose.

Bill is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
 
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