Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Old man goes to visit the Dr. for an exam, being hard of hearing he takes the wife to help out.

After a through exam the DR. says "please give me a urine sample, stool sample, blood sample, and a semen sample.

Old man says "hu hu hu".

The wife says "just give him your underwear".
 
My wife overreacts to everything. The day our first child arrived, my wife asked the nurse for an epidural. The nurse said, "We don't do that here, but don't worry, you won't need it."
My wife asked, "How can you know that?"
The nurse replied, "This is an adoption agency."
 
My doctor called me yesterday and said, "We've gotten your test results back, and they're not good. You have cancer and Alzheimer's ."
I said. "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
 
Harold suspects his wife is losing her hearing, but is unsure how to bring the subject up. A friend suggests he try the ten foot test.
"Ten foot test? What's that?" Harold asks.
"You start about thirty feet away and ask her a question. If she doesn't hear you, move about ten feet closer and ask again. If she still can't hear you, move in another ten feet and repeat yourself. If she can't hear you over ten feet away, she probably needs her hearing checked".
That night Harold is in the living room while his wife is in the kitchen.
"Hey honey, what's for dinner?"
No reply, so he moves ten feet closer.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still nothing. He walks into the kitchen near his wife and says, "Dear, what are we having for dinner?"
His wife turns around and shouts, "FOR THE THIRD TIME, HAROLD - WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!!"
 
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
 
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A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says

“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”

“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment then said

“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
- To be Frank.....I'd have to change my name.
- Mountains aren't just funny. They're Hill-Areas
- Dogs can't run MRIs, but Catscan.
- What's the difference between ignorance and apathy....I don't know and I don't care.
- So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.
- I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
- If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
 
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Weight Loss Program:

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week..
 
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young
man.

The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you
do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide
for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir; God will provide," replied the fiancé The conversation
proceeded like this . . . and each time the father questioned, the young
idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"
The father answered, "He's a Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God."
 
RIP...
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased container. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite
being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”

“After that,” the old rich man continued, “I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us five million dollars.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Ladin is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Nancy Pelosi a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Pelosi opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Pelosi was baffled, so she e-mailed it to Chuck Shumer. Shumer and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Jim Comey couldn't could solve it at the FBI, so it went to John Brennan at the CIA without luck.

They then sent it to to the NSA. Jim Clapper also had no clue as to its meaning so the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Pelosi she's holding the message upside down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old lady walks into a taxidermist shop carrying the dead bodies of her pet male and female monkeys. She explains that they were her favorite pets and she misses seeing them around the house.

“Would you like to have them mounted?” asks the taxidermist.

“Oh, no,” she replies, “standing side by side will be just fine.”
 
An Irish lass was walking on the streets of New York. Along came a huge gust of wind which blew her skirt up. A man walked by, and trying to ease her embarrassment, said "Kind of airy ain't it?"

Said the lass..."What the 'el were ye expectin'? feathers??"
 
Man from the city buys a farm and figures he might as well get some farm animals so he walks next door to a chicken farm and buys a Cock and a Pullet chicken then he sees a sign for a donkey for sale.When he buys the Donkey the seller tells him if he gets stubborn scratch him between the ears. So he's walking home with the pullet and cock under his arms and the ass in tow.Well as you would guess it the ass started acting up but his hands were full with the chickens.The farm lady from next door showed up asking if she could lend a hand. He said could you hold my Cock and Pullet while I scratch my Ass.
 
There has been an uptick recently in human/bear encounters. Here are some tips to stay safe when out hiking.

1) Wear bells to avoid surprising a bear.
2) Carry pepper spray to fend off any attack
3) Understand the signs left by bears;

The feces of Brown bears is smaller and often contains berries and bits of squirrel fur.
The feces of Grizzly bears is typically larger, contains bells, and smells like pepper spray.

Happy hiking!
 
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Here we go again... I think the problem is they are portrayed as real... And if you were a doctor you would not believe a doctor would behave as such.... Snope's is on the fence... Some are decades old and reworked over the years. Here is an excerpt of some of their analysis..

View attachment 64164

not....sure....if....serious. If humor does not offend someone somewhere, it wasn't very funny. That's how humor works.
 
What do you call an unemployed goat?
Billy Idol.

What do you call a goat at sea?
Billy Ocean.

What do you call a goat playing the piano?
Billy Joel.

What do you call a goat hosting the Oscars?
Billy Crystal.

Night of Drinking
A man and his pet goat walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my goat." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the goat falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a goat."
 
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.
 
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.
 
An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out
 

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