Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class,
I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for having sex." The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, Johnny, how many positions did you come up with?" Johnny says, "Seventy-three." The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, , very good Johnny..."

She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?" Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where
the guy just lays on top of the girl."

Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two female rhinoceroses at the zoo were eagerly awaiting the arrival of a new male. When he was led into the paddock, they wasted no time in introducing themselves.
"Hi, I'm Sally, and this is Anne."
"Hi," said the male. "My name is Neil."
"Ooooh !" they trilled. "Not THE rhino Neil?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing.

“You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

“I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

A. "Cover me. I'm going in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are French history books blank?

Because history is written by the winners.
 
A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”

The father replies, “Making a baby.”The little boy says, “Can you turn mommy over? I’d rather have a puppy.”
 
A 9 year old girl came up to her mother and said “whats sex?” the mother sat her down and gave “the talk”. after explaining she asked her daughter why she asked? and the daughter said “I told dad dinner was ready and he said he would be down in a few secs”
 
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
 
The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
 
My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
 
Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty." "Why don't you wear them?" The Project Manager said. The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"
 
I can honestly say that over the years I have read every joke posted and not once have I been offended until now. JMG, not even remotely funny.
 
I did kind of go "Whoa" when I read it. He's new so I'll cut him some slack.

That said, I have some jokes that I would question myself posting on here. All the others I know Mike already posted.
 
I apologize if I offended anyone, that most assuredly was not my intention, but I feel an explanation is called for.
One of the most important elements of a joke is that of surprise. Nobody wants to see a punchline from a mile away. In this case, an innocuous, common phrase (Guinea pig, a popular children's pet, and obviously what the child was referring to) is assigned an alternate meaning and through that an entire persona is conveyed, that of a stereotypical blue collar father from the Burroughs, and this is accomplished in only two sentences, which satisfies another important comedic element, brevity. It also added to the humor for me when it was told to me by a friend of mine who recently moved here to south Alabama from Lindenhurst NY. His accent made the joke even funnier.
But, all of that being said, I am still sorry if anyone found my post offensive. It won't happen again.
 
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