Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say, I feel great! I be work soon.....You got nice house.
 
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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”



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The teacher sat down and cried.
 
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked: "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

He said that she had.

With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."
 
As I was approaching an intersection in my work van, I noticed an elderly gentleman waiting to cross in front of me. I waved him across and patiently waited as he slowly made his way to the other side. It was a nice day and my windows were open. When he arrived at the curb, he turned and said "Thank you. I wasn't sure you were going to wait for me." I responded "That's OK sir, you're the pedestrian." He looked at me and at first appeared to be confused, then a little annoyed and said "No I'm not! I'm a Baptist!"
 
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time? Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Bentley; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas.
 
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...


The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc?'


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'

'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
 
An old pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeroncas...flew B-29's in WWII and later in the Korean conflict, worked as a flight instructor, gave rides to hundreds & retired flying for an airline.

Yeah, I'd say I am a pilot.'

He asks, "What about you, Missy"?

She said, 'Well, I'm a lesbian and I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence...

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
 
A chicken farmer, Joe, went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that?

I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence,' Joe says, 'This is a special day
for me, I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says
the woman.

'What a coincidence,' says Joe. As they clinked glasses the
farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says Joe. 'I'm a chicken farmer,
and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally
laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens
become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' Joe replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence...'
 
Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.


Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $20,000 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's,people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and peopletake Prozac to make it normal.


Number 1
A boat is the funnest way to lose money...
 
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
 
At a cocktail party
A pretty woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. Feeling an urge, she approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "My, that's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things that turn me on most-- 'cars' and 'men'. What's your name?" she asked.
He replied, "B.J. Boobsengolf."
 
......Tequilahhh.......









A man walks into a
bar, notices a very large jar on the
counter, and
sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in
it.


He approaches the
bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the
jar?"



"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you
get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new
Lexus."



The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he
asks, "What are the three tests?"



"You gotta pay first," says the bartender,
"those are the rules."



So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the
bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.



"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what
you need to do:



First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60
seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing
it."







"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the
back with
a bad tooth , you have to remove that tooth with your bare
hands."













"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who's never had sex , you have to take care of
that problem ."







The man is stunned !


"I know I paid
my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot !


I won't do it
!


You'd have to be
nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other
things !"



" Your call ," says the bartender , " but ,
your money stays where it is ."



As time goes on , the man has a few more drinks and finally
says , " Where's the damn tequila
?!"



He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as
he can .


Tears stream down
both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he
drinks it in 58 seconds !

Next , he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit
bull chained to a pole .


Soon , the people
inside the bar hear loud growling , screaming , and sounds
of a terrible fight – then , nothing
but silence !



Just when they think that the man surely must be dead , he
staggers back into the bar .


His clothes are
ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes
all over his body .


He drunkenly says ,
" Now... , where's that old woman with the bad
tooth ?"
 
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...
OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
 
Joan went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," she said, "I've got big troubles. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Am I going crazy?"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Joan. six months later the doctor met Joan on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? No way! Instead, I went on one of those 'Dude Ranch' vacations, and an old cowboy cured me for the price of a bottle of whiskey."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!
 
Being an extream tite-wad Fred decides while his wife is gone he will put a new coat of paint on the toilet seat. The good woman comes home sooner than expected and gets stuck to the wet paint. She panics and demands to be driven to the doctor ,seat still attached. She puts on Fred's large overcoat and off they go.When they arrive Fred lifts up the coat to show him their predicament. Fred says,"Doc have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well yes," he replyed "but never framed."
 
High school sweethearts that have recently graduated are getting married. The groom’s brother, who has been away in the marines for the past four years, has returned on leave to be his little brother’s best man.

After the ceremony, the groom takes his brother aside and expresses a lack of knowledge as to exactly what he is supposed to do when he and the bride retire to their hotel room. After several attempts to explain, the marine tells his little brother not to worry.

“I’ll slip into the hotel room and hide behind the shower curtain in the bathroom, if you need advice, tell her that you have to use the toilet and then I can whisper advice to you through the shower curtain.”

Relieved, the groom agrees and proceeds to the hotel with his bride. True to his word, his older brother gets there ahead of him and hides in the bathtub.

The couple gets into bed, but the bride is reluctant, having been in her wedding dress and surrounded by friends and family all day, she hasn’t had a chance to use the bathroom and the need is getting urgent.

Misunderstanding her reluctance, the groom excuses himself and steps into the bathroom where he begins a whispered conversation with his brother.

The bride meanwhile, nearly frantic for a way to relieve herself, seizes the only available means; the box that her shoes came in. Squatting, she defecates into the box and then hastily slides it under the bed.

Bolstered with advice from his brother, the groom comes walking out of the bathroom, headed for the bed only to discover that in her haste, the bride had slid the shoe box too far and it had come out the other side of the bed where the groom accidentally stepped in it in the darkness.

“Oh my god! This box is full of sh*t!” The groom exclaimed.

“Turn her over!” Yelled a voice from the bathroom.
 
A group of crusty old bikers were gathered around the campfire waiting on there fearless leader. Upon his late arrival, one member inquired, "Where the hell is your old lady?" The leader replyed "She died." In unison the group asked "What happened." "She died of the clap." was the reply. One bold rider stood and said "In this day and age you don't die from the clap!"

LEADER "you do if you give it to me!"
 

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