Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Santa Clause and lovely young woman

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you‘d like to come into my bedroom.“
Santa responds “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.“
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says “I‘ve got something special for you Santa. Can‘t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgettable.“
Santa responds “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.“
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.“
Santa now fully aroused responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can‘t get up the chimney this way!“

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
“Jesus Christ!“ he shouted.
Joseph said, “Write that down, Mary; it‘s better than Clyde!“

A young man picked up a date at her parent's home.

He had scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.

He asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

Oldie but goodie, probably in here but nice version.

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside around the plant and without even slowing down they drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before nor since. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

In the beginning, the Proctologist enjoyed his healing art and treating his patients with compassion and respect. After many years, however, he got burned and decided to change careers.

He enrolled in a school for auto mechanics.

He had been an excellent doctor, but he was only a mediocre mechanic. He was very nervous when it came time for his final exam; he had to replace the valves in a six-cylinder engine. He worked as hard and as fast as he could, but every other student had left hours before he was finished. He was certain he had flunked.

The next day he was surprised to learn he had scored an A on his final.

"I was so afraid I had flunked," he told his instructor. "I took so much more time than anyone else."

"You would have flunked," the instructor said, "but I gave you extra credit for doing the whole job through the tailpipe."

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, ' You need a piece of tail. '
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, ' Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite. '

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?



When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
It's a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with none of the whining about racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. Justice would be swift. Case closed!
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system: "Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number 3489...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.


While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"


God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."


Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.


After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.


Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"





God replied: "Oh my, I didn't recognize you!"

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit
by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having
a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it,
it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell..

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,


"Yesterday we were campaigning ...

Today, you voted.."

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, " Hey DeBakey... Is dat you ? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, " So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work ? "
Dr. DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris,....."Try doing your work with the engine running. "

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at the church last night by 1 point.

I not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was:

"Where do women have the curliest hair?"...................


Apparently the correct answer is New Zealand.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement where-by the official language of the European Union (EU) will now be English, rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase in plan that will be known as "EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "C." Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants skip with joy. The hard "C" will be dropped in favor of the "K." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

In the sekond year, there will be growing publik enthusiasm when the troublesome "PH" will be replaced with the "F." This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Government will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "E" in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" with "Z" and "W" with "V."

During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "OU" and similar changs vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubts or difikultis and evrivun wil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.


British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.


When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.


The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

"I finally got around to going fishing this morning but
after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and
frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't
bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right
behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without
getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and
poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back,
he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident,
and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake, with two frogs in his mouth

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her pink Hummer and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.


The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.


"What does it look like?" she finally asked.


The policewoman replied, "Its square and it has your picture on it."


The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Communication Breakdown...
The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."
• The Army will put guards around the place.
• The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
• The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.
• The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.