Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Yup, I love it when it gets cold in MI. Mike's boat comes out of the water, he gets bored and posts jokes, and we all benefit. :D

Thanks, Mike
 
Thanks for saying so. I just have been shared a really good cache of fairly fresh jokes that I'm enjoying sharing with all of you.

It is fun to see the likes the individual jokes get to see what everyone like best. So like your favorites.

MM
 
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?’

There is a place in Milwaukee - IIRC - "The Safe House" I was told had a picture of Burt Reynolds with a flap in the ladies room. Lift the flap and there are old red rotating lights and a siren that goes off.
When you stood at the urinals in the guys head - everything above the urinal was a one way mirror so you were staring at all the people sitting at the bar... but they couldn't see you thru the mirror behind the bar...
Fun place.
 
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.

They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they are supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head.

"I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!"

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"

The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat, I'll talk to them."

He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She snapped at her husband: "That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!"
Then, turning to the counselor, The wife exclaimed: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes crazy when a woman wears leather. It's because she smells like a new pickup.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill and Hillary were driving one winter night. Hillary asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to Bill, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
Bill says, "OK, get in the car with it."
Hillary says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
Bill says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" asked Hillary.
Bill says, "Just hold its little nose.
Bill is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
 
Mom was very upset when she found a BD/S&M magazine in her son's room.

She showed it to her husband when he got home.

He handed it back to her without a word.

She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?"

"Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed after watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight." The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight." The husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you." The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Autocorrect is my worst enema.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two police officers crash their car into a tree.
After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door.

In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown.

The dwarf faints!

After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.

The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing.

For a minute there, I thought you said "Turn Around."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.

When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."

"Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
 
CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE-UPS OF HER GROWLER. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS. I'M ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
 
Well this past weekend I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
 
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD.


He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' ..

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a
dead mouse in the chili.


The sight was very shocking and he
immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
 
THE HAIRCUT

Blessed are those that can
give without remembering, and take without
forgetting.

One day a florist went
to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and
the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community
service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.


When the barber went to
open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen
roses waiting for
him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in
for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again
replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service
this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning
when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a
dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came
in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again
replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service
this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the
shop.

The next morning, when
the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up
waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the
fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the
politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND
DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
 
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed
up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
 
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other
for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time
to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship."How do you feel about sex ?" he asked, rather
tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman
sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and
whispered - "Is that one word or two ?"
 
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof!
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
 
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confessed....

'Not with a carnation.'
 
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
 
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, a townsman was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, he ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
 
A biochemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer were arguing about the nature of God at the bar one night.

The biochemical engineer held forth that the millions of chemical reactions that take place perfectly every second in the human body was evidence that God THE biochemist's Biochemist.

The electrical engineer disagreeing, pointing out that the miles of nerves in the human body, transmitting thousands of electrical impulses flawless day in and day was sure proof that God was an electrical engineer.

The civil engineer chimed in and said, "You're both wrong. Just look at the human crotch. Who else but a civil engineer would route multiple toxic waste lines through a major entertainment district?"
 
There is a new drug being released by Phizer pending FDA approval..

It is designed specifically for depressed lesbians..

It is call Tridixagain.
 
The nerd was complaining to his buddy at the beach that he wasn't getting any looks from any of the hot, beautiful babes in skimpy thongs. His friend handed him a banana and said, "Stuff this into your speedo and I'll be back to check on you." An hour later the friend comes back and the nerd complains that not only hadn't he had any luck with the chicks but they were now pointing at him and laughing. The friend simply said, "Try moving the banana to the front."
 

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