Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A grandpa was summoned for a tax audit, and showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "You live a lavish lifestyle with no full-time employment and tell us you get your money by gambling. We find that hard to believe."

Grandpa says, I am a great gambler. Do you want a demonstration?" "OK," the auditor replies.

"I bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor is sure that is not possible, and takes the bet.

The grandpa takes out a glass eye and bites it. Then he says, "I will bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye." Seeing that the grandpa is not blind, he takes him up on it. Grandpa takes out his dentures and uses them to bite his other eye.

At this point the auditor is getting nervous, having just lost $3,000 to the grandpa in front of his attorney.

The grandpa says, "I bet you $6,000 that I can stand on the end of your desk and pee into the waste basket on the other end of your desk and not spill even a drop on your desk."

The auditor is wary, having been taken in twice already. But he decides that is not possible, and at least he can break even. So he accepts.

The grandpa stands on the end of the desk, unzips, and pees all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps for joy, having just turned a $3,000 loss into a $3,000 win.

The grandpa's attorney groans and puts his head in his hands. The auditor asks him if he is OK.

"Not really. Grandpa bet me $25,000 on the way here that he could pee all over your desk and you would be happy about it."
 
A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"
"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"
 
A woman adopted a foul mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained. The shelter told her the bird lived in a whorehouse for the last decade.

When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said,

"Hi Phil, welcome back!"
 
Bill and Hillary go to Las Vegas and check into a ritzy hotel….


hillary-clintonThey go to the best restaurant in the hotel and after having dinner Hillary complains about having a headache and tells Bill she’s going upstairs, take some aspirin and go to bed.


Bill goes into the hotel bar, orders a drink and asks the bartender if there is any action in the place.


The bartender points Bill to an attractive hooker at the end of the bar.


Bill approaches her and offers her $20.


The hooker responds, ”For $20 I won’t even talk to you”.


Bill leaves and takes the elevator upstairs.


The next morning Bill and Hillary get on the elevator to go for breakfast. As luck would have it two floors down the elevator stops and the hooker gets in.


The hooker looked at Hillary, laughs and says to Bill: “That’s what you get for $20.”
 
Doug Smith in on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready, he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”

“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings. And as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated so much property.”

Sarah replies, “Property? The old bugger had a paper route!”
 
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
 
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
 
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
 
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
 
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
 
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
 
Classic.
Subject: Frank Feldman

A man walked out into the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got in and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank."

Passenger: “Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.

He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.

He could fix anything, not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate; shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman"

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.


“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”


“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my bike had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man… and then my dog bit me.”


“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!


“But, enough about me, how are you feeling?”
 
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier.
“The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal.
“Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
 
A nurse ran up to me asking me to sign a form. I said fine, reached into my pocket and came out with a rectal thermometer. Seems some a-hole still has my pen.
 
What's the difference between and Oral and a Rectal thermometer?




Give up yet??????











The taste
lmfao.gif
 
My neighbor just called me with some bad news; he told me that they just found out that his wife of many years was just diagnosed as highly allergic to their three beloved Labs. He's hoping that someone will open their hearts and home and take her in so he doesn't have to get rid of the dogs!
 
He was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So...

He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.


Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.


Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of 23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines in Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"


The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"


Keep an eye on those Texas boys!


Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid !!!
 
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"

And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!"

And the husband began — "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued – "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

"Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?'"
 
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Forum statistics

Threads
113,143
Messages
1,427,166
Members
61,056
Latest member
Rafael Saraiva
Back
Top