Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra."

"What does your wife look like?" asks the young man.

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
 
After 37 years of marriage, the wife and her husband*were very happy together, but their sex life was conspicuously absent. One night as they were lying in bed watching TV, the woman suddenly felt her husband touching her in a way that he hadn’t for a long time.
It almost tickled as his hand touched her neck, and then slowly wandered down to her waist. He caressed her neck, grazed her breast, then traveled further down, to rest on her lower belly.
He then continued up along the inside of her arm, along her left side, once again grazing her breast, lightly touching her behind, then her inner thigh, coming to rest on her upper thigh. He then repeated the procedure, this time on her right side.
Suddenly he stopped, rolled over and started watching the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by his caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful, dear. Why did you stop?”
He then replies absent-mindedly, “I finally found the remote!”
 
Harry was part of a golf foursome that played every Saturday morning. Every Saturday morning at 7 AM, Harry kissed his wife on the cheek and headed to the golf course to play with his 3 lifelong friends. Always before noon Harry was back home.

One Saturday it was noon and Harry wasn't home. His wife kind of wondering why he was running late. 12:30, 1:00, 1:30 still no Harry. Wife was now getting frantic, wondering and worrying.

Finally around 2 there was a knock at the door, she opened it and there was Harry's golf group - without Harry.

The first one spoke up, "I am sorry we have bad news". He continued, "we were on the 7th hole, had just all hit our drives, and Harry fell over dead from a heart attack"...

In shock, his wife said now she understood why Harry wasn't home at 12!

His friend replied, "Yes it has been a long day for all of us. For the next 11 holes it was - hit a shot - drag Harry"....
 
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE....................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!
 
A man and his wife are out driving, and get pulled over by a police officer.
The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What’s the problem, officer?”
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, this? I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
The man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your mouth!”
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
 
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old."

Well . . . you'll love this one.

My name is Rose. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Signal Village high school.

"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1989. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that
ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
gray-haired,
decrepit,
idiot,
asked,

"What subject did you teach"?
 
Bill had worked in a pickle factory for several years. He was an exemplary worker, but he had a problem.
One day he confessed to his wife that he had a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he go see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vowed to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home, his face absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
Bill replies, “Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No Bill, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
 
The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA)

The Senate is considering a sweeping legislative Bill sponsored by the Democratic Party that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory hiring interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember “righty tighty, lefty loosey”. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Sen. **** Durbin, Ill: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer & Nancy Pelosi
 
A family practice doctor, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist went duck hunting. They got all settled in their blind and prepared their shotguns. They sat in order of who would get the first shot - the family physician was first. A duck flew over, and he tracked it with his shotgun, but didn't take the shot. The other doctors asked "What happened? You had a clear shot." The family doctor said "I just couldn't shoot. That duck might have had a family." So it was the psychiatrist's turn next. Another duck flew by, and he had his shotgun up and ready, but again, no shot. Again the other doctors asked "OK, what now?" The psychiatrist said "I know that's a duck, and you know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck?" So it was the surgeon next. Another bird flew rapidly by and the surgeon hit it with a clean shot, and it fell into the water. He said to the pathologist "Go see if that was a duck."
 
Lady was leaving the store and looked in her purse for her car keys. Not finding them, she figured she left them in her car. Looking out at the parking lot, there were only 4 cars in it. None were hers. Figuring someone had seen the keys in her car and stole it, she called the police and reported it stolen.

After the police left, she called her husband and explained what happened. He said " You remember I dropped you off at the store right?" Now she remembered and said "Oh that's right. How long until you will be back to get me?"

He said "I'm not sure. The cops are trying to arrest me for stealing your car."
 
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated:
“You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said:
“Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied:
“Cuz you’re ugly.”
 
The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA)

The Senate is considering a sweeping legislative Bill sponsored by the Democratic Party that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory hiring interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember “righty tighty, lefty loosey”. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Sen. **** Durbin, Ill: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer & Nancy Pelosi
The funniest part of this joke is that the CSR software recognized Durbin as a dick.
 
A gentleman staying at the Hilton leaves his room in the early evening and boards the elevator. He then says, "Ballroom please"

The lady in front of him scoots forward and apologizes, "I didn't know I was crowding you."
 
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says... "Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"
 
An Amish man is in the city for the first time. He goes to the Empire State Building. He and his son see this bank of shiny doors that open and close with lights above them. As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the shiny doors. The lights go up, then they go back down and out walks a stunning blond!

The Amish man looks to his son and say, "Boy, go get your ma!"
 
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
 
One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"
 

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