Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Joe had been battling headaches for years, but lately they had gotten much worse, so he decided he just had to see a doctor.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches," said the doctor. "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Joe realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store, and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit," and went in.

The elderly tailor eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Joe laughed, and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16-and-a half neck, 34 sleeve," said the tailor.

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the tailor said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said "sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shoes, and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist, and said, "Let's see, size 36."

"Finally, I've got you!" Joe laughed. "I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You shouldn't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear is too small for you. That would force your testicles to press against the base of your spine, and give you one hell of a headache."
 
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a
loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
“God loves drunk people too you know.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
 
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says.

You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”
 
An old woman was sitting on the porch one evening with her husband, sipping a glass of wine. "I love you so much," she says. " "In fact, I doubt I could live without you. I know I wouldn't want to even try to get by a single day without you."

Her husband was almost speechless at this uncharacteristic display of emotion. "Is that you talking, or the wine?"

"It's me silly," she replied, "talking TO the wine."
 
Ever notice that before you have sex, you help each other get naked?

However, after sex, you just get yourself dressed.

So the moral of the story is, nobody helps you once you're screwed.
 
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
 
Little Old Lady: Doctor, I'm feeling so lethargic lately, just don't have the same zip I used to.
Doc: Well, at your age a lot of necessary hormones are not being produced as abundantly as they once were, so sometimes we need to supplement that.
LOL: What do you suggest?
Doc: Well let's try a prescription for testosterone. It's often thought of as a male hormone, but ladies need it too, in smaller amounts. It should perk you up, but it can have some odd side effects, so I'll give you a scrip and you come back in six weeks and we'll see if we need to adjust the dosage up or down, OK?'

So the little old lady toddled off and got her prescription, and came back to see the doctor right on schedule:

Doc: So how's it going?
LOL: Well I do have more pep, it did seem to give me some more get-up-and-go, but it unfortunately I now have hair in places I never had before.
Doc: Ah yes, that's one of the side effects to be expected, perhaps we need to reduce the dosage a bit. Exactly where are you growing this unwanted hair?
LOL: On my testicles.
 
A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

Officer: "On average, about two gallons."
 
In the news this week, a Southern California man was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation
when it was found he owned 100 guns and had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition
stored in his home. The house also has a secret escape tunnel.

The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets!"
and the headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache".

By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable".

If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Oklahoma , he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment
until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana , he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho , he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming , he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

and... In Texas , he'd be called "a Hunting Buddy"............
 
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about two miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Beckley West Virginia to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got five flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the trooper's vehicle. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my a** to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."
 
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go t...o Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”
 
Very sad thing happened today. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school, and training has been fired from his job. He made one the job indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients. He can no longer work in his chosen profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money, all for one nights pleasure. Just goes to show you what effect your choices can have on your life. He is still paying off student loans too. His whole life is ruined. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy,






and he was a brilliant veterinarian.
 
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”


“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.


The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.


As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.


Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.


Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.


Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.


The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.


“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story?”


“No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.
 
A Soldier in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a MARINE joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 pounds, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225 pounds, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5", weighs 250 pounds, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Soldier says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
 
After years of a wife's protests about her husband disappearing for entire weekends during deer season, the husband finally said "if you want to go, grab your gear and come on. What? You dont have any gear? Sorry!" And with that he walked out the door for the weekend.

So as he hunted, she went to town and geared up. A new rifle, hunting clothes, license, etc.

The next saturday AM at 0-dark-thirty when his alarm went off, she was already dressed, sitting at the table drinking coffee. He asked her why she was up so early, and she said she was going with him, and pointed at her pile of gear. He sighed, knowing he had no choice, and told her to get in the truck.

They got to the site, and he walked her to his tree stand. He got her all set up and told her that if she had any problems, fire 3 shots in the air, and he would come.

He went over the ridge and had a seat at the base of a tree about a quarter mile away. And he waited. Several hours passed. Eventually he heard a shot coming from her direction. "no biggie, she probably saw something and took a random shot."

A few minutes later, another shot. Then another. He decided to go check it out.

He came over the ridge to see his wife in the tree stand pointing her rifle at a man with his hands up. The next thing he hears is "GET AWAY FROM MY DAMNED DEER!!!!" from his wife. As he gets closer she says "I said, GET BACK!!!". And then the man with his hands up yells back. "OK, LADY! YOU CAN HAVE THE DAMNED HORSE! JUST LET ME GET MY SADDLE OFF OF IT AND I'LL GO!"
 
A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a Kleenex and gently wiped her nose all the while shuddering noticeably for 10-15 seconds.
This went on over and over until the man leaned over and asked the woman if she was alright.
She answered and apologized letting him know she has a medical condition. Every time she sneezes she has an orgasm.
He asked her if she was taking anything for it and she nods and says... "Pepper"
 
An elderly wife from Montana had an appointment with her doctor to ask for advice on how to treat her husband’s lack of sex drive.
“Have you tried Viagra?” the doctor asked.
“Not a chance,” the old lady replied, “he doesn’t even take aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” the doctor replied, “just give him some Montana Viagra.”
“What’s Montana Viagra?”
“It’s simple. You discretely put the Viagra into his coffee when he’s not looking. He won’t be able to taste it. Try it out and get back to me in a week and tell me about the results.”
A week later, the old lady called the doctor.
“Oh my lord!” she wailed, “Terrible! Just terrible.”
“Really? What happened?” the doctor replied.
“I did as you told me, I put the pill into the coffee, and the effect was immediate… he flew up from the chair, and his eyes were positively smoldering. With a quick motion he swept all the cups and the tablecloth from the table, ripped my clothes off and took me then and there on the table. It was a nightmare I tell you, a nightmare.”
“Oh, I see, but why was it so bad, shouldn’t this be a good thing?” the doctor asked in a worried tone.
“Oh yes, this was the best thing to happen to me in 25 years! But I can tell you right now, I will never be able to show my face in the downtown Starbucks again!”
 
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
“Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
 
I went to a country club with a friend yesterday. It was the first time I've ever had a caddy. On the 9th hole, I put my first 3 shots in the drink. I looked at my caddy and told him I'm going to go join my balls in the lake and drown myself. His reply was "No you won't. You can't keep your head down that long."
 

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