Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

[h=3]Message body[/h] Texas Sheriff Entrance Exam:


A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriff's Dept. was being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says,
"Your qualifications look good,
but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a S & W .45 ACP pistol across the desk,
he says to the man,
"Take this pistol; go out and shoot
six illegal aliens,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant,
"When can you start?"
 


A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ........... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, ...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! ....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.



​




​
'Good,' she replied. ............. 'Get your own dam blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.



​
 
FOR THE CSR GUYS AND THE IPHONES HAHAHA...
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pterodactyl.jpg

quake.jpg

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touched-asian.jpg

vaseline.jpg

tinsel.jpg

baby-jesus.jpg

slutty.jpg

chowder.jpg

police-unicorn.jpg

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tuna-underwear.jpg


WWW.DAMNYOUAUTOCORRECT.COM
 
With the Euro going down, Ford to acquire RenaultFord has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, they have designed the Clitaurus.
It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bit-h to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.
 
My favorite funny Christmas story & knowing people in low places:

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

=
 


IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00. I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size." When I got up off the floor I tried to explain it to her....




IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side .. '

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS







IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4..
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.



IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's....Better yet go to Burger King



IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.



-- From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.




IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.



IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

So, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem da dash don't be silent.





Then there's my personal favorite
My Dad was in the hospital in NYC, my Mom and I decided to take a break and go out for a cup of coffee. We went for a walk and found a small shop, we both ordered coffee, my Mom asking that hers be black. The server went behind the counter, looked all around, then into the kitchen. When he returned, he very apologetically told her that he was sorry, the only coffee they had was brown.



STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and they VOTE!

 
-
Sometimes the word ‘intelligence’ is just wasted on the people and/or government programs.

ONLY INAMERICA
Welcome Home, boys, TSA "Interrogates" our soldiers

As the Chalk Leader for my flight home from Afghanistan , I witnessed the
following:

When we were on our way back from Afghanistan , we flew out of Baghram
Air Field. We went through customs at BAF, full body scanners (no
groping), had all of our bags searched, the whole nine yards.
Our first stop was Shannon , Ireland to refuel. After that, we had to
stop at Indianapolis , Indiana to drop off about 100 folks from the
Indiana National Guard. That's where the stupid started.

First, everyone was forced to get off the plane-even though the plane
wasn't refueling again. All 330 people got off that plane, rather than
let the 100 people from the ING get off. We were filed from the plane to
a holding area. No vending machines, no means of escape. Only a
male/female latrine.

It's probably important to mention that we were ALL carrying weapons.
Everyone was carrying an M 4 Carbine and some, like me, were also
carrying an M 9 pistol. Oh, and our gunners had M-240 B machine guns. Of
course, the weapons weren't loaded. And we had been cleared of all ammo
well before we even got to customs at Baghram, then AGAIN at customs.

The TSA personnel at the airport seriously considered making us unload
all of the baggage from the SECURE cargo hold to have it re-inspected.
Keep in mind, this cargo had been unpacked, inspected piece by piece by
U.S. Customs officials, resealed and had bomb-sniffing dogs give it a
one-hour run through. After two hours of sitting in this holding area,
the TSA decided not to re-inspect our Cargo - just to inspect us again:
Soldiers on the way home from war, who had already been inspected,
re-inspected and kept in a SECURE holding area for 2 hours. Ok, whatever.
So we lined up to go through security AGAIN.

This is probably another good time to remind you all that all of us were
carrying actual assault rifles, and some of us were also carrying
pistols.

So we're in line, going through one at a time. One of our Soldiers had
his Gerber multi-tool. TSA confiscated it. Kind of ridiculous, but it
gets better. A few minutes later, a guy empties his pockets and has a
pair of nail clippers. Nail clippers. TSA informs the soldier that
they're going to confiscate his nail clippers. The conversation went
something like this:

TSA Guy: You can't take those on the plane.

Soldier: What? I've had them since we left country on the way over.

TSA Guy: You're not suppose to have them.

Soldier: Why?

TSA Guy: They can be used as a weapon.

Soldier: [touches butt stock of the rifle] But this actually is a
weapon. And I'm allowed to take it on.

TSA Guy: Yeah but you can't use it to take over the plane. You don't
have bullets.

Soldier: And I can take over the plane with nail clippers?

TSA Guy: [awkward silence]

Me: Dude, just give him your damn nail clippers so we can get the
f__k out of here. I'll buy you a new set.

Soldier: [hands nail clippers to TSA guy, makes it through security]

To top it off, the tsa demanded we all be swabbed for "explosive
residue" detection. Everyone failed, [go figure, we just came home from
a war zone], because we tested positive for "Gun Powder Residue". Who
the f__k is hiring these people?

This might be a good time to remind everyone that approximately 233
people re-boarded that plane with assault rifles, pistols, and machine
guns - but nothing that could have been used as a 'weapon'.

Hell..... Can someone please tell me What the hell happened to OUR country while
we were gone?
 
I know this is a joke thread and you can laugh at the stupidity of many of the TSA rules but... This story makes me mad more than it makes me laugh. To see our brave fighting men and women being treated like this is asinine. Nuff said... I'll be quiet now.
 
Trucky said:
I know this is a joke thread and you can laugh at the stupidity of many of the TSA rules but... This story makes me mad more than it makes me laugh. To see our brave fighting men and women being treated like this is asinine. Nuff said... I'll be quiet now.
Click to expand...

I think we all feel that way especially those of us that have family and friends that are military. A lot of the TSA people I don't even think they are citizens. I my son told me of some stupid stuff they had to go through when he came back from Afghanistan wuit the TSA.
 
I hope you didn't take my words as anything at all against you or your jokes... I've gotten many chuckles out of them and hope to see many more. I just had to open the door and yell at the TSA there for a minute.
 
Trucky said:
I hope you didn't take my words as anything at all against you or your jokes... I've gotten many chuckles out of them and hope to see many more. I just had to open the door and yell at the TSA there for a minute.
Click to expand...

No problem I think the TSA needs to be yelled at more. We should start replacing the present TSA with our returning vets then we know we will be secure and they will have common sense.
 
This should be taken seriously!!!

Alcohol Labels - Just Like Cigarettes

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning




labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened




to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over




again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex- lovers are really




dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse




with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,




smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
getting your butt kicked..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel Gode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







​
 
TSA is one of my favorite jokes!

We're heading to AZ in a few weeks and I wanted to take my recip saw down there to do some work on my boat.
700549_lg.jpg
Rather than just show up at the airport with it, and have someone from TSA declare it a weapon or something, I went to the airport today to check with the real, live TSA people. Naturally, they were all at lunch except one poor schmuck who was standing there looking down the front of some girl's blouse while she was unloading some things from her suitcase. (Naturally, being a Sea Ray owner, I didn't look down and see those two gorgeous....but I digress!!!)

He was ticked that I interrupted his private viewing of the female's ummmmm assets, but answered my questions. I showed him a picture of what I wanted to take with me and he said I couldn't because it was a saw. I explained that I wasn't going to take any blades, so without the blades it's not technically a saw. He checked the TSA website and said "it says here you can't take any rechargeable saws." I then explained that it wasn't a rechargeable saw, that it needs to be plugged into 110V power to be useable.

He then asked me why I would want to take the saw down to AZ without taking any blades. When I explained that I could pick up blades anywhere down there, but I didn't want to have to buy another saw. Then he suggested I put it in a checked bag. So I explained that it cost more to check the bag than the saw cost and I wanted to just carry it on.

His final answer to me before going back to the private showing, was that I'd have to take my chance and show up at the gate with it and it was up to the supervisor on duty at the time if I would be able to take it with me on the plane, and the likelihood of that happening depended on which supervisor was on duty at the time.

So this is the best that our gubmint has to offer to protect us?
 
Daddubo said:
-
Sometimes the word ‘intelligence’ is just wasted on the people and/or government programs.

ONLY INAMERICA
Welcome Home, boys, TSA "Interrogates" our soldiers

As the Chalk Leader for my flight home from Afghanistan , I witnessed the
following:

When we were on our way back from Afghanistan , we flew out of Baghram
Air Field. We went through customs at BAF, full body scanners (no
groping), had all of our bags searched, the whole nine yards.
Our first stop was Shannon , Ireland to refuel. After that, we had to
stop at Indianapolis , Indiana to drop off about 100 folks from the
Indiana National Guard. That's where the stupid started.

First, everyone was forced to get off the plane-even though the plane
wasn't refueling again. All 330 people got off that plane, rather than
let the 100 people from the ING get off. We were filed from the plane to
a holding area. No vending machines, no means of escape. Only a
male/female latrine.

It's probably important to mention that we were ALL carrying weapons.
Everyone was carrying an M 4 Carbine and some, like me, were also
carrying an M 9 pistol. Oh, and our gunners had M-240 B machine guns. Of
course, the weapons weren't loaded. And we had been cleared of all ammo
well before we even got to customs at Baghram, then AGAIN at customs.

The TSA personnel at the airport seriously considered making us unload
all of the baggage from the SECURE cargo hold to have it re-inspected.
Keep in mind, this cargo had been unpacked, inspected piece by piece by
U.S. Customs officials, resealed and had bomb-sniffing dogs give it a
one-hour run through. After two hours of sitting in this holding area,
the TSA decided not to re-inspect our Cargo - just to inspect us again:
Soldiers on the way home from war, who had already been inspected,
re-inspected and kept in a SECURE holding area for 2 hours. Ok, whatever.
So we lined up to go through security AGAIN.

This is probably another good time to remind you all that all of us were
carrying actual assault rifles, and some of us were also carrying
pistols.

So we're in line, going through one at a time. One of our Soldiers had
his Gerber multi-tool. TSA confiscated it. Kind of ridiculous, but it
gets better. A few minutes later, a guy empties his pockets and has a
pair of nail clippers. Nail clippers. TSA informs the soldier that
they're going to confiscate his nail clippers. The conversation went
something like this:

TSA Guy: You can't take those on the plane.

Soldier: What? I've had them since we left country on the way over.

TSA Guy: You're not suppose to have them.

Soldier: Why?

TSA Guy: They can be used as a weapon.

Soldier: [touches butt stock of the rifle] But this actually is a
weapon. And I'm allowed to take it on.

TSA Guy: Yeah but you can't use it to take over the plane. You don't
have bullets.

Soldier: And I can take over the plane with nail clippers?

TSA Guy: [awkward silence]

Me: Dude, just give him your damn nail clippers so we can get the
f__k out of here. I'll buy you a new set.

Soldier: [hands nail clippers to TSA guy, makes it through security]

To top it off, the tsa demanded we all be swabbed for "explosive
residue" detection. Everyone failed, [go figure, we just came home from
a war zone], because we tested positive for "Gun Powder Residue". Who
the f__k is hiring these people?

This might be a good time to remind everyone that approximately 233
people re-boarded that plane with assault rifles, pistols, and machine
guns - but nothing that could have been used as a 'weapon'.

Hell..... Can someone please tell me What the hell happened to OUR country while
we were gone?
Click to expand...

Gofirstclass said:
TSA is one of my favorite jokes!

We're heading to AZ in a few weeks and I wanted to take my recip saw down there to do some work on my boat.
View attachment 23174
Rather than just show up at the airport with it, and have someone from TSA declare it a weapon or something, I went to the airport today to check with the real, live TSA people. Naturally, they were all at lunch except one poor schmuck who was standing there looking down the front of some girl's blouse while she was unloading some things from her suitcase. (Naturally, being a Sea Ray owner, I didn't look down and see those two gorgeous....but I digress!!!)

He was ticked that I interrupted his private viewing of the female's ummmmm assets, but answered my questions. I showed him a picture of what I wanted to take with me and he said I couldn't because it was a saw. I explained that I wasn't going to take any blades, so without the blades it's not technically a saw. He checked the TSA website and said "it says here you can't take any rechargeable saws." I then explained that it wasn't a rechargeable saw, that it needs to be plugged into 110V power to be useable.

He then asked me why I would want to take the saw down to AZ without taking any blades. When I explained that I could pick up blades anywhere down there, but I didn't want to have to buy another saw. Then he suggested I put it in a checked bag. So I explained that it cost more to check the bag than the saw cost and I wanted to just carry it on.

His final answer to me before going back to the private showing, was that I'd have to take my chance and show up at the gate with it and it was up to the supervisor on duty at the time if I would be able to take it with me on the plane, and the likelihood of that happening depended on which supervisor was on duty at the time.

So this is the best that our gubmint has to offer to protect us?
Click to expand...

Guys, this stuff would be great on my TSA thread: http://clubsearay.com/showthread.php/48258-Does-the-TSA-make-us-safe

I know I'm just a little linear in my thinking. :smt043

I pasted it over there.
 
Daddubo said:
-
Sometimes the word ‘intelligence’ is just wasted on the people and/or government programs.

ONLY INAMERICA
Welcome Home, boys, TSA "Interrogates" our soldiers

As the Chalk Leader for my flight home from Afghanistan , I witnessed the
following:

When we were on our way back from Afghanistan , we flew out of Baghram
Air Field. We went through customs at BAF, full body scanners (no
groping), had all of our bags searched, the whole nine yards.
Our first stop was Shannon , Ireland to refuel. After that, we had to
stop at Indianapolis , Indiana to drop off about 100 folks from the
Indiana National Guard. That's where the stupid started.

First, everyone was forced to get off the plane-even though the plane
wasn't refueling again. All 330 people got off that plane, rather than
let the 100 people from the ING get off. We were filed from the plane to
a holding area. No vending machines, no means of escape. Only a
male/female latrine.

It's probably important to mention that we were ALL carrying weapons.
Everyone was carrying an M 4 Carbine and some, like me, were also
carrying an M 9 pistol. Oh, and our gunners had M-240 B machine guns. Of
course, the weapons weren't loaded. And we had been cleared of all ammo
well before we even got to customs at Baghram, then AGAIN at customs.

The TSA personnel at the airport seriously considered making us unload
all of the baggage from the SECURE cargo hold to have it re-inspected.
Keep in mind, this cargo had been unpacked, inspected piece by piece by
U.S. Customs officials, resealed and had bomb-sniffing dogs give it a
one-hour run through. After two hours of sitting in this holding area,
the TSA decided not to re-inspect our Cargo - just to inspect us again:
Soldiers on the way home from war, who had already been inspected,
re-inspected and kept in a SECURE holding area for 2 hours. Ok, whatever.
So we lined up to go through security AGAIN.

This is probably another good time to remind you all that all of us were
carrying actual assault rifles, and some of us were also carrying
pistols.

So we're in line, going through one at a time. One of our Soldiers had
his Gerber multi-tool. TSA confiscated it. Kind of ridiculous, but it
gets better. A few minutes later, a guy empties his pockets and has a
pair of nail clippers. Nail clippers. TSA informs the soldier that
they're going to confiscate his nail clippers. The conversation went
something like this:

TSA Guy: You can't take those on the plane.

Soldier: What? I've had them since we left country on the way over.

TSA Guy: You're not suppose to have them.

Soldier: Why?

TSA Guy: They can be used as a weapon.

Soldier: [touches butt stock of the rifle] But this actually is a
weapon. And I'm allowed to take it on.

TSA Guy: Yeah but you can't use it to take over the plane. You don't
have bullets.

Soldier: And I can take over the plane with nail clippers?

TSA Guy: [awkward silence]

Me: Dude, just give him your damn nail clippers so we can get the
f__k out of here. I'll buy you a new set.

Soldier: [hands nail clippers to TSA guy, makes it through security]

To top it off, the tsa demanded we all be swabbed for "explosive
residue" detection. Everyone failed, [go figure, we just came home from
a war zone], because we tested positive for "Gun Powder Residue". Who
the f__k is hiring these people?

This might be a good time to remind everyone that approximately 233
people re-boarded that plane with assault rifles, pistols, and machine
guns - but nothing that could have been used as a 'weapon'.

Hell..... Can someone please tell me What the hell happened to OUR country while
we were gone?
Click to expand...

This is B-ll Sh-t. Some body makes up a stupid story and away it goes, this should be filed in the holding tank with that stupid letter to Obama that never happened.
 











5 Year Old's First Job


Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers. It will make you believe that we can all make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.


A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.


The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.


Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.


At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.


When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."


"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"


The little girl replied, "I will if those a$$holes at Lowe's ever deliver the dam sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

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To PEE OR NOT TO PEE...








I have a job. I work, they pay me.
I pay my taxes & the government
distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that paycheck, in my case,
I am required to pass a random urine test
(with which I have no problem).
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my
taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

So, here is my question:
Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check
because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand, I have no problem with
helping people get back on their feet.

I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping
someone sitting on their butt - doing drugs while I work.
Can you imagine how much money each State
would save if people had to pass a urine test
to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could call the program
"URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!








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