Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Oly & Leana,
Oly was working overtime last week and stayed even later on Friday Night. As he was walking home he thought about taking a shrtcut through the park. As he neared the entrance of the park he heard a voice call out " Hey 25 bucks for a quicky ". well Oly thought for a moment, I aint never had a hooker before and been making extra money this week... Since the wife will most likely be aslep when he would get home Oly pulled 25 bucks out of his pocket and went into the bushes. Not soon after a flash light pops on and a cop says " Hey what you two doing " Oly replies, Oh notting I'm just sitting hear wit my wife. The cop says, Oh I'm sorry I did not know that was your wife. Then Oly says" neither did I till you turned that flash light on.....
 
Subject: Thought for the day

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES;

NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS…
 
I boarded an airplane and took my seat. As I settled in, I glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat . As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside mine. Eager to strike up a conversation I blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" I said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," I said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
Three Californian surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in California . In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost several fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England "

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events at the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House."
 
I boarded an airplane and took my seat. As I settled in, I glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat . As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside mine. Eager to strike up a conversation I blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" I said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," I said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

:smt043:smt043:smt043:smt043:smt043 I almost woke up the kids
 
A Touching Story of Love and Marriage


A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip

cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,

gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have

thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a

cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife.


Stay out of those,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
 
Leaving Work Early


Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
 
Two old vets are drinking in a bar.



One says: "Did you know that moose have sex 10 to 15 times a night."



"Aw, s_ _t," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW."



 
President Obama was out jogging yesterday when he got ahead of the secret service agents. As he turned to see thier whereabouts he fell over a bridge rail into a small river. Three youg boys fishing on the banks pulled the president to safety. The president comended them saying he would repay each one with a favor. The frist boy asked for tickets to a ball game. Obama said, he would send Polosi's jet to take him and his family to any game of thier choice. The second boy said, he wanted a new fast car. Very well said the president, we own General Motors, I'll have a new corvette seint to you right away. When asked third boy replied he would like a Blue electric wheel chair with a satelite dish and a wide screen tv with suround sound. The president perplexed by his response said, why you seem fine to me son. Once my Dad finds out I helped pull you from the river I'll be needing it, Replied the boy.
 
nevemind. H20nut posted it already. Must have missed it.
 
Last edited:
Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life.
They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....

..."freeze a jolly good fellow
 
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most
of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story..
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a
motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India
to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
 
I went to a wedding the other day, the groom was an antenna and the bride was a satellite dish. The wedding was boring, but the reception was excellent!
 
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most
of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story..
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a
motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India
to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.


:smt043:smt043:smt043 I know I shouldn't laugh at this, but that is funny
 
:smt043:smt043:smt043 I know I shouldn't laugh at this, but that is funny

I'm with you,, but I couldn't help my self and forwarded this to about 12 people.
 
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear
a voice call from behind a sand-dune say, "One Marine is better than
ten Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the
dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes,
then silence.

The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban
soldiers."

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the
dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of
battle, again silence.

The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand
Taliban."

The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends
them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as
a huge battle is fought.

Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the
dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more
men, it's a trap. There are two of them.":thumbsup:


 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions, he observed.'

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
with eating.. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is
with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy..'

At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy
has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
 
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most
of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story..
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a
motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India
to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

LOL - No kidding, the other day I was at the local Costco, and this indian family entered the store at the same time I did, and the mom and dad had a little boy in a stroller. Mom and kid had dots on their head, and I had to mentally restrain myself from bending over to the kid, and wiping the dirty spot off his forehead.

-VtSeaRay
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions, he observed.'

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
with eating.. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is
with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy..'

At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy
has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'

Good one!
 
The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square", do your stuff.

"T-square" pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.


But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,"Spreadsheet", do your stuff.

"Spreadsheet" went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.


But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure", do your stuff.

"Measure" got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and pouredexactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.



Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak", do your stuff.

"CoffeeBreak" jumped to his feet.......


Ate the cookies.......

Drank the milk.......

**** on the paper.......

Screwed the other three cats.......

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......



Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........


Put in for Workers Compensation................and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave...........





AND THAT IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
 

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